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"The Challenge", Features

THE CHALLENGE: BATTLE OF THE BLOODLINES Episode 2 Retro Running Diary

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I probably should have marked the return of Culture Challenged with a good ‘ole Let’s Get A Few Things Off My Chest column, explain some of the (right – I hope) reasons for my absence, and preview the future of the site. This informative hibernation mea culpa is coming soon (I promise!), but there is a new season of the The Challenge already two weeks underway and there is no better way to dive back into the commentary cesspool than a proper chronicle of America’s Fifth Professional Sport. There are, however, a few The Challenge related things to get off my chest before I embark on yet another season of coverage…gulp.

  • I haven’t written on The Challenge since the tragic deaths last fall of Diem and Knight. When their final season of The Challenge: Battle of the Exes II aired last January, it just didn’t feel right to spend energy and time commenting on the discomforting awkwardness of Johnny and Averey’s relationship or on how Jay and Jenna’s third place finish is the most undeserved appearance in a finals since the 2009 Orlando Magic (I am openly still bitter about KG’s injury. That 2008-2009 Celtics team started the season 27-2 and was even better than the 2008 champions that dominated the league). Although the reality of reality television is an obvious misnomer, often lost in all of the fun, games, and drama is that we are watching real people with real lives and real challenges. Diem’s chronicled departure from the show for health complications from her long and heroic bout with cancer is the worst end of the uncomfortable voyeuristic contract signed by her participation and by our viewing. Diem – the warrior, amazing effervescent club dancer spirit that she was – used her platform for the most incredible kind of good. She propelled her fortunate famed privilege into something that mattered. Her human legacy and the organizational legacy of MedGift beautifully live on. ‘Tis the season for giving and supporting her cause is one the best ways to do so. Both Diem and Knight are greatly missed. Continue to rest in peace.
  • While we were away, long-time Culture Challenged favorite Sarah finally had a partner (in Jordan) of her competitive stature, defeated her Challenge demons and won Battle of the Exes II, started the amazing Brain Candy podcast with former Challenger Susie Meister, and got married to a nice Jewish man named Landon. Mazel Tov, indeed.
  • I admittedly watched the Battle of the Bloodlines premiere last week ready to write and couldn’t get myself to do so. It was the day of the horrific San Bernardino shootings and much was put out of focus. The violent brotherly unlove between Shane and Tony and the interview contact lens situation of Nany’s cousin Nicole just seemed a little too insignificant. Was I, after a loyal 26 seasons of careful viewing observation, finally too far removed from the immature shenanigans of Dario and Raphy? Why venture into this hot mess of drunken tomfoolery, TJ Lavin quotable gems, Are You the One? imposters (I am none too pleased with the addition of this recruitment pool – it’s like having to scout NBA players from an amateur league in Canada – I just don’t have the time, energy, or the resources), and the simple life of the Buell twins? I felt out of touch and frankly, kind of dirty while watching. The show I was watching felt so far removed from the “Hoorah!” camaraderie of Battle of the Sexes II, the glory years of the JEK dynasty, and the always entertaining battles among Wes, Wes’s ego, and the competition. Why continue to watch? I needed a compelling reason beyond an admitted loyalty to the heroic and herculean twelve year run of Johnny Bananas (primed to win his sixth title this season – even MJ took thirteen seasons to do the same). Then, this week, master pop culture barometer Bill Simmons came out of his own Challenge commentary sabbatical on the Bill Simmons Podcast.

With his pulse (and his 4.7 million Twitter followers in toe) driving the conversation, implicit permission had been passed on for me to follow suit. Like Jenna’s struggling cousin Brianna, I am not sure I am quite ready to handle this rodeo once again, but with promising late-game additions appreciatively cluttering the wonderful “this season on” it is too hard to pass up.

In lieu of a toast from Bananas (at this point the unofficial beginning of any The Challenge season), there is no better way (and an appropriate homage to the writing tomb of Monsieur Simmons) to begin this season’s coverage than with a retro running diary. From this point forward, “All is fair in love, war, and Challenges!”

7:00 – The scenes from last week are an unfortunate reminder of the travails of the Bloodlines conceit. Sure, family dynamics create a different and perhaps more compelling kind of drama (as Blood vs. Water seasons on Survivor highlighted), but this mostly ragtag group of Challenge newbies, with the exception of Bananas cousin, Vince, are obvious major downgrades on their OG counterparts. Was their resistance from the veterans to bring on a relative who could possibly steal some of their family holiday celebrity status thunder? Or are their not enough sane relatives (certainly plausible) who would be willing to throw themselves in to this teetering fish bowl of insanity? Either way, these Bloodlines are a weak new class of competitors. Fresh Meat ain’t what it used to be.

7:02 – In one of the season’s earliest non-surprises, Aneesa and her cousin Rianna almost kiss. After eleven seasons (the female competitor record) and a surging nostalgic relevance to this franchise, at this point Aneesa has earned the right to do whatever she damn well pleases in the house that TJ Lavin built.

7:03 – The decision to give a Bananas a GoPro for “super sneaky Bananas footage” is a stroke of genius. This type of constant innovation has carried The Challenge to 26 seasons of tomfoolery. Some early footage highlights: butts in the water and a inconspicuous new version of “rock, paper, scissors” played in the back of the bus by Thomas and Cara Maria who primed to “flirt her little butt off to get the final.” I wonder what the always measured Abram will have to say about this later in the season.

7:04 – Today’s Challenge promises to be “creepy.” Bananas, take the mic: “I’ve already seen every one of the girls in this house wake up in the morning, so I don’t know how much creepier the day can get.”

7:06 – TJ Lavin the Great sets some high expectations: “Every once in a while we have a challenge that you never forget. Well today, promises to be that day.” After ten years and seventeen years of hosting, he should know (#youkilledit). “I’d like to welcome you all to FAMILY DINNER. You guys are going to be eating live bugs.” Boom.

“I’ve already seen every one of the girls in this house wake up in the morning, so I don’t know how much creepier the day can get.” – Bananas, responding to the prospect of a “creepy” challenge

7:07 – The premise is simple: for ten minutes one partner chews live bugs and spits them through a tube into a cup while the other partner sustains composure while a snake crawls all over your face. You are either “eating” or “suffering.” Sounds like a great time!

7:09 – KellyAnne and Anthony are the current leaders for the “bloodline that most perplexes.” Case in point…this exchange:

KellyAnne: “If I know Anthony, he’s going to do great.”

Anthony: “She’s going to do fine. You should have seen the stuff she was feeding me when I went and visited her in LA.”

KellyAnne: “(Uncomfortable pause) It was vegan, but ok.”

Anthony: “Yeah, ok (shakes his head).”

What does this even mean? I am so confused.

7:09 – Nine minutes in, it seems like an appropriate time to touch base on what is going on with the Nicole (Nany’s cousin) eye/makeup situation in interviews. It’s like a cross between

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7:10 – The initial “suffering” reports of the Round 1 competitors are universally Indiana Jonesian (“I hate snakes!”), except for Cara Maria’s who is admittedly right at home hanging out with a python.

7:11 – Pre-commercial reactions to “eating” are varied. Jamie goes right for chewing. Nany, Jill, and KellyAnne freak out. Candice really freaks out. Bananas just starts banging his head.

7:15 – Bananas, always The Challenge innovator, thinks with his head. “I’m gonna use this massive head of mine which also houses one of the biggest brains in the house to smash, stun, or in some way, shape, or form just render these insects disabled.”

7:16 – Cara Maria sneaks in some Boston accented words of encouragement and frankly, it’s about time. Besides some unexpected kinship with CT and Johnny Reilly over their respective area code 617 origins on past seasons, Cara tends to keep her r’s (pronounced “ahhs”) unaffected. Jamie’s bug deliveries to the dirty watah warrant a little extra something special.

7:17 – Nicole and Nany’s post-interview is a hot mess (“I did the best I could do!”) of apologies and excuses. My “way to go really far out really out on a limb” prediction of the season: Nicole and Nany will often find themselves at the center of the drama this season.

7:20 – Brianna intimates that “this is isn’t for her” and she “just kind of wants to go home.” Bon voyage! With Jenna’s at times rocky initial appearances and now with Brianna, Jay’s Bunim-Murray people contribution tree is a contender for worst of all-time. Only Sylvia’s skeleton and horrific former boss, Alicia, may be a worse additive to the franchise.

7:24 – Wait, I take back my initial desire to see Brianna go home. Watching Jenna (not exactly an intellectual or competitive stalwart) passive aggressively show her disappointment in Brianna is enduring entertainment. Let her stay TJ! I want more of this distressingly low level performance.

7:27 – Cara and Jamie win. Bananas thinks that Jamie’s experience eating prison food as a corrections officer is to account for his success with all the bugs. I still think it was Cara’s decision to go Boston with her accent.

7:28 – TJ Lavin the Great delivers the news of Brianna and Jenna’s obvious loss with a mid-season form zinger, “Some people weren’t really made for The Challenge.” Preach, TJ, killing it always.

7:31 – …but it’s a guys elimination day so none of it matters. Tough times, The Challenge producers. If you are going to have all teams compete in the same pool of winners and losers (all guy teams, all girl teams, and guy/girl teams) than you can’t differentiate who goes into the pit. If Brianna and Jenna lost, they have to go in and should have to face any team that the winners select. This is a wee-bit ridiculous. Why have the two women teams compete in the first place if winning and losing for them didn’t even matter? Inexcusable. Spend more time working out the game play kinks and less time making sure the alcohol cabinet is properly stocked. This is the 5th American Professional Sport! We can’t have stuff like this in season 26. Jenna: “If those are the rules than those are the rules.” No, if those are the rules change the rules.

7:39 – To make matters worse, Cohutta and Jill are the worst team with a guy on it and are headed for the pit. Jill: “I know it’s kind of silly to get upset over something that’s just a game, I can’t help but get a little emotional.” I don’t blame you. For this same “just a game,” you postponed your wedding to take a trip to transient celebrity status with some big cousin Cohutta bonding along the way only to face elimination because of ill-conceived game rules. Meanwhile, Jenna and Brianna are left behind for some bickering and Long Island white trashy talk.

7:41 – Which set of twins is it going to be? Strong Boston courtesy from Cara and Jamie gives Cohutta the call on who to face in the elimination. After a brief deliberation, he settles on the Dario and Raphy meat sandwich, a largely competitive unknown.

7:43 – Cara delivers the news to Dario and Raphy and they threaten to make war when they come back into the house after defeating “toddler” Cohutta. Frozen-footed and fearful Cara goes back to Cohutta, and Cohutta shares her tarsus temperature. Thomas and Stephen (“Buell. Buell.”) seem like an easier out. Cara admits that being in a power position may not be her sweet spot of comfort. Where is Bananas in all this for at least a brief, veteran consultation?

7:46 – Facing the perspective of Dario and Raphy wrath, Cara sends in Thomas (her hookup on the “low-low”) and Stephen. After a brief resentment period, Thomas makes quick peace in time enough for a night out!

7:47 – All the talk at the club is about Jenna’s less than partner who is openly planning her trip home. Aneesa, never one to hold back truth, delivers a “she’s not even cute” provocation to Jenna. It’s one thing to be a lousy partner, but for Jenna to be linked to someone not attractive enough…it’s about to go down…

7:50 – Back at the house, Brianna’s misery blows up in a tearful slop of blame and lame. Jenna, newly backboned, goes after her cousin with low blows about her cheating Spanish boyfriend. With Nicole and Nany handling the intervention, conflict resolution is just around the corner! Oh, wait.

7:52 – Brianna, according to Jenna’s (who is deceptively tall) account, thinks that all of the other housemates are degenerates and losers and that she is better than everyone else because she has a job at the bakery. Jenna unloads about dads in jail, ice cream, and someone’s boyfriend and short hair.  It’s really as unintentionally comedic as it sounds. Nany wax-poetics on the sanctity of family. Bananas chews metaphoric popcorn from his front row seat. Cohutta chimes in perfectly: “I swear on my life. These people are insanely crazy.”

7:53 – Jenna and Brianna’s insincere apologies the next morning miraculously make it all better for now. Again, these are the women that should have been in the pit two weeks in a row and one of their members has outwardly declared her desire to go home! How could producers have screwed this one up so royally.

“I swear on my life. These people are insanely crazy.” – Cohutta, on the eve of elimination

7:55 – TJ, sans hat, announces SQUARING OFF. Thomas volunteers to go against Cohutta in this physical best of three rounds event. Cohutta aptly calls it a “damn David and Goliath thing.” Things are not looking good for Georgia’s own Challenge vet and his wedding postponement specialist cousin, Jill’s chances.

7:59 – Based on both my DVR and MTV app viewing, Cohutta and Jill are eliminated, but just not onscreen. Oops. Next week’s clip foreshadows a Camila throwback event and some medical issues for Tony. At this point, I am all in.

Stay tuned…This season’s first weekly power rankings to come on Wednesday.

"The Challenge", Features, Television

THE CHALLENGE: RIVALS 2 Finale Recap

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Hold on.  Let me just catch my breath.  My heart is still pounding.

Final episode nights of competition based reality television programs (and I realize that The Challenge is so much more than that, but for purposes of my argument, let us buy in) are often a bit anticlimactic.  First, the trials, tribulations, and extracurricular nighttime activities that stretch the heart of the season frequently seem to have more pickles in the fish soup jar than the season’s culminating act.  The journey to get there is more engaging than the there.  Once the winner is no longer in doubt (I cannot remember a final challenge that was a real nail-biter), the momentum is drained from the proceedings faster than a Tyrie elimination.  Second, if there is a “reunion special,” it is usually a perfect excuse to practice DVR fast-forwarding skills.  Either the host is out his league (more on this in a bit, think Donald Trump on The Apprentice whose live finales are an exercise in why) or the over abundance of segments and network micromanaging (I am looking at you every Survivor reunion – can we please just let the great Jeff Probst do his thing?) yields a clunky, poorly constructed, commercial interruption-fest.

Last night was the final night of this season of The Challenge: Rivals 2, the universally accepted fifth American professional sport.  The Final itself, an at times cruel and unusual punishment of a checkpoint completion based Thailand run around “Nightmare Island” (it had to have been named for the third idol station that Wes deemed “the worst restaurant” ever) had its memorable moments (a play by play to come), but the real mouth burning came in the live reunion special, hosted unintentionally comedically by Jonny Moseley who did his best impression of a human train wreck throughout the epic proceedings.  Also, as a point of clarification, the reunion special was LIVE (from New York!), often a clichéd forum for “anything to happen” that most commonly means dull and boring (risk aversion persists when the edit is only on a five-second delay), but this live reunion special was different.  Shocking interactions, disturbing acts of violence, beautiful shows of emotional support, and the Moseley factor made this live reunion the story of the night and one that could have lasting implications for this series.

Before we delve into the lessons learned from the reunion special, we have a Final to deconstruct (SPOILER ALERTS TO COME) in which our final four teams, CT and Wes, Johnny and Frank (Jordan and Marlon were in fact the capsizing culprits and did not make it to the super yacht in time – your Rivals 2 brilliant rookie season will be better encapsulated in my forthcoming postseason awards column), Paula and Emily, and Cooke and Cara Maria, after a brief swim from the super yacht, battle through five idol acquisition stations on “Nightmare Island.”  The first men team and the first women team to collect all idols and then complete a final canoe trip to the super yacht would win the first place prize (the second place teams are comically forced to wait on “Nightmare Island” and watch as the winners sail off into the sunset).

Paula and Emily

CHECKPOINT #1: It’s a Skull Puzzle.  There are fourteen spikes on a board and one open peg.  You have to jump one skull over another, eliminating spikes as you go.  The point is to end up with one spike left.

QUOTE: “This puzzle is the same puzzle I play when I am hungover at a country breakfast restaurant that I like to go to.” – CT

DIFFICULTY LEVEL: Although it may depend on how much time you spend at a country breakfast restaurant (what does this even mean?) hungover, I think it is relatively straightforward.

BEST PERFORMANCE: CT (“The Puzzle Master”) and Wes dominate and build a substantial lead over Johnny and Frank.

WORST PERFORMANCE: Paula and Emily lose their lead on Cooke and Cara after the initial swim and seem to be doing what Paula declares they do best: “freak out.”

KEY MOMENT: Cara’s “sees something in her head” and figures out a successful puzzle strategy.

ORDER OF FINISH: 1. CT/Wes  2. Cooke/Cara Maria  3. Johnny/Frank  4. Paula/Emily

Cara Maria

CHECKPOINT #2: “What’s Mine is Yours” features a math problem using the Pythagorean theorem that asks you to solve for the hypotenuse and then cut the corresponding rope that has the correct value attached to it.  If you read the fine print, only one player is allowed to do the math.  If you cut the wrong rope, you have to cut all five ropes.

QUOTE: “We have to solve a pythagoree theorem which is…I don’t know because I haven’t been to school since the ‘80s.” – Paula

DIFFICULTY LEVEL: Math is really hard for the competitors.

BEST PERFORMANCE: Tie. CT and Wes (apologies to his sixth grade geometry teacher) bypass the math and successfully gamble on the correct rope cut.  Cooke and Cara bypass the math and realize that the color of the rope is important and mirror the CT and Wes cut.  Astute work, ladies.

WORST PERFORMANCE: Frank’s ninth grade calculator over dependence comes back to haunt him.

KEY MOMENT: CT realizes that his “fat fingers” make for lousy pens.

ORDER OF FINISH: 1. CT/Wes  2. Cooke/Cara Maria  3. Johnny/Frank  4. Paula/Emily

Cara Maria

CHECKPOINT #3: “Food Test” features the consumption of, in order, a plate full of chili peppers, pickled fish soup (as disgusting as it sounds), a plate of worms, crickets and maggots, this fruit called durian that is known for smelling awful, and fried squid.  “Food Test” features vomiting (and lots of it!).

QUOTE: “Eating disgusting shit is my kryptonite.  Walking into this mad scientist laboratory, I literally felt like I just walked into my absolute worst nightmare.” – Bananas

“It’s a chorus of people puking their guts out.” – Bananas

“Goodbye…worst restaurant…ever.” – Wes

DIFFICULTY LEVEL: It is a nightmare – the most impossible of missions and should have been worth so much more money than the final prize.

BEST PERFORMANCE: Paula (“What do you eat on a regular basis Paula?” asks Emily), fueled by Cooke and Cara’s desperation, eats (and vomits) at a record pace, overtaking the women team lead.

WORST PERFORMANCE: Team Cooke and Cara Maria admirably struggled to eat what appeared to be the worst meal ever conceived.

KEY MOMENT: When Wes and CT decide to swallow the chili peppers like pills.  When Paula decides to dominate.

ORDER OF FINISH: 1. CT/Wes  2. Paula/Emily  3. Cooke/Cara Maria  4. Johnny/Frank

Emily and Paula

CHECKPOINT #4: “Body Issues” involves carrying twenty heavy body bags across a rice field on a stretcher with hot handles.

QUOTE: “Paula – focus, get your shit together, and help me.” – Emily

“I see Cooke and Cara struggling.  I see them stopping all the time.  I see them yelling, and this is just bringing me back to life!” – Paula

DIFFICULTY LEVEL: Frustratingly annoying.  The bags were heavy, the food ingestion was fresh, and the repetition was killer.  Wes was almost a casualty.

BEST PERFORMANCE: Johnny and Frank who did a very nice job (“second wind”) closing the gap on Wes and CT.

WORST PERFORMANCE: Cooke and Cara, who were forced to work on teaching each other the “1-2-3 lift” process a few too many times.

KEY MOMENT: When Paula got her shit together (in this checkpoint and, in truth, for Challenge historical reasons, in general).

ORDER OF FINISH: 1. CT/Wes  2. Johnny/Frank  3. Paula/Emily   4. Cooke/Cara Maria

Paula and Emily

CHECKPOINT #5: “Tunnel Vision” asked competitors to dig a whole to a trap door tunnel that leads to the idol.  Compared to the previous checkpoints, this was a cakewalk.

QUOTE: “This is it, brother.  Everything we have worked for.  This is it.” – CT

“This is happening.  This is happening.” – Emily

DIFFICULTY LEVEL: Too easy.  Way to not finish with a bang, Bunim/Murray production.

BEST PERFORMANCE: Wes and CT remained a consummate team to the end.

WORST PERFORMANCE: Production for a lame final checkpoint.

KEY MOMENT: CT and Wes and Emily and Paula finished first and won Rivals 2.

ORDER OF FINISH: 1. CT/Wes  2. Paula/Emily  3. Johnny/Frank  4. Cooke/Cara Maria

CT after nine previous attempts and almost a decade of Challenge appearances, wins his first Challenge.

Wes, who hasn’t won in a “solid six years,” wins for a second time.

TJ gives over the check

Paula wins her second Challenge and her second straight Rivals.

Emily, after several previous attempts and third place finishes, wins her first Challenge.

Shout out to all of you.

A few lingering thoughts and quotations from the final episode:

  • Johnny and Frank both acknowledged that they walked away as good friends.  Cooke and Cara are “grateful” for even making it to the finals and know how unlikely they were to have made it this far (do we even remember Naomi’s brief appearance on the show?).  Both second place teams walked away with tremendous dignity and were so gracious in defeat.
  • When I reflect on the season next week in my forthcoming postseason awards column, I will put CT’s win this season in some kind of historical context.  For now, the great Johnny Bananas, in such an eloquent and generous manner, gives respect to his longtime rival (set to a wonderfully produced montage of CT’s career highlights):  “You win some and you lose some, but I hate to say it, but I think that the team that deserved to win won today.  Rivalry between me and CT aside, the guy’s put in his time.  We’ve spilled the same blood in the same mud.  It’s only appropriate for him to at some point get a win.”
  • I gained so much respect for Wes this season for many reasons, but above all else, he was a phenomenal partner to CT.  He created a perfect balance, performed when it mattered, and never strayed from the task at hand of winning money at the end.  Congratulation to you.  Count me as one of the impressed.
  • You have to appreciate the simplicity of CT’s take: “I did it.  I finally won The Challenge.  It took me ten years, but me and Wes, we made it.  It is fair to say that me and Wes are no longer rivals.”
  • A tearful Paula: “I am always at, as I don’t know, not that good at shit.  I’m not good at Challenges.  I’m not good at elimination rounds, but I never wanted to let Emily down, so I did the best that I could, and I just hope that I made her proud to have me as a partner.”  Hey Paula, mission accomplished.  You rock.
  • Emily, third place will not be your destiny.
  • As TJ stated, these were the “two best teams all season” and they deserved to win.  Sometimes it is comforting to have the resolution make so much sense.  It was their time.

The Cast

The Challenge: Rivals 2 Live Reunion Special was live TV at it’s absolute best (and I am not even referring to Preston’s Amish hat) and absolute worst (violence is really scary and the choice of Jonny Moseley as the host is almost equally scary).  There were some clear lessons learned throughout.  Here are the most important takeaways in chronological order:

The hot seat was a fail.  Throughout the show, Jonny would have more intimate conversations on the “hot seat,” a faux-leather coach off to the side with a few competitors.  The groupings rarely made sense (CT/Wes and Jemmye/Camila, Frank, Knight, Emily, and Cara), the topics almost immediately went back to the big group (so why even be there in the first place), and there was violence (more on this shortly).

When Knight refers to Preston as “Mr. Rodgers” in what appears to be a state of some kind of “under the influence,” he probably is and has no idea what he is saying.

When you appear on live TV, you want your makeup to be more subtle, Marlon.

Knight is unsafe, belligerent, dangerous, and an embarrassment.  While discussing some steamy twitter conversations (another hot seat fail), Frank and Knight trade barbs.  Frank is calm, cool, and articulate, but still backs some verbal bite.  Knight returns the favor (not as articulately) a few times.  He then stands up, mentions some unrest about some of the things that Frank said about Jemmye, and then, out of what felt like complete nowhere, punches Frank in the face.  Here is the video:

Knight punches Frank

It was a shocking and disturbing display of unprovoked violence.  The air was completely taken out of the room.  Thankfully, Wes and Emily, aided by the studio security staff, restrain Knight and remove him from the stage and the proceedings.  All Jonny can say (and this really happened) is, “Anyone else have anything to say to Frank?”  Tough moment, Jonny, but really, tough moment Knight.  Admittedly, from the edit these past two seasons, I have not been Knight’s biggest supporter.  I find his humor tasteless and his attitude leaves something to be desired, but I often enjoyed his presence on Real World: New Orleans and have been open to the possibility of a tough edit.  This violent incident was on unedited live TV and, despite how you might feel about Frank, showed the act of a person who is really struggling with decision quality.  I hope he finds help and fast.  This was an embarrassment.

Frank IS the bigger man and from all accounts in real life, a great person.  Frank is great at being a divisive, yet essential polarizing figure on The Challenge, but especially now having seen his reaction to Knight’s attack, he is a man of integrity.  To answer your question Mr. Moseley, “Frank – Your handling of the situation was so impressive.  I applaud you for your courage and fortitude.”  His sincerity and general remorse in his apology to Jemmye was equally heartwarming.

In case it was at all fuzzy before, Emily’s reaction to Knight (“Get the fuck off the stage!”) says everything about her.  She is a gem.

Johnny Bananas and CT are both really kind and sensitive human beings.  After coming back from a commercial break following Knight’s violence, production carried on with their segment order (a big mistake) and decided to grill Diem about her recent episode “craziness.”  Even though we know that Diem was on many post-chemo hormones and medications during the filming of Rivals 2, Diem was disrespectfully asked to defend her unevenness in Thailand.  She understandably broke down talking about it.  First, Bananas stepped to the plate to set the record straight: “What people don’t see when they watch this show and what the audience doesn’t understand is that we are subjected to an incredible amount of mental and emotional distress.  So coming on and being at the top of your game – it’s difficult enough.  Coming on in the position that she was in – I mean she just went through chemotherapy before she came on the show – she was being injected with all this stuff.  I mean, I’m a guy, and my emotions are all over the place, and I can’t imagine what it was like, so, if anyone needs to be given a get out of jail free card or a free pass, it is Diem in this situation.”  CT was next: “It is easy to take a highlight reel of someone’s worst moments and turn them into something they are not, and she didn’t deserve that.”  Thank you, gentlemen.

On a similar note, Aneesa and Paula are wonderful friends and wonderful people.  But we kind of already knew that.

Jonny Moseley should not be hosting a live event.  Yes, Knight’s violent stage eruption is a worst-case scenario and would rattle even a seasoned interviewer veteran, but his inability to audible away from exhausted topics or to understand that what was on his cue card didn’t have to come next doomed Moseley’s performance (where was Maria Menunous?).  When CT and Diem had a go on the hot seat to discuss their “relationship” things got very uncomfortable.  CT kept telling Jonny to “mind ya business,” but Jonny kept probing further.  At a certain point, CT had had enough and turned it back on Moseley:

CT: “I was playing a game.  This ain’t real life.  Make up your mind.  Are we trying to play the game or are we trying to be real life.  Are you trying to make me be a bad person?

Moseley: “No.”

CT: “No, then where are you going with it, bro?  Who’s in the hot seat now?  What’s up?

Then Moseley, instead of moving away from the topic, continued to harp on it.  CT was not done, referring to Jonny Moseley as “son.”

CT: “Nah, that’s why we don’t let you know anything about us.  You twist and turn it into something that it’s not.  What’s up now?  We’re live.  There’s nothing you can do about it…no, I know what you are trying to do, bro and I don’t even care.  Read and let us talk.”

It was excruciating to watch CT trample over Jonny Moseley’s inexperience.  Was TJ Lavin available?

The live reunion is a win.  Although some of the worst-case live reunion tropes clouded this event (violence, unintentionally comedic discomfort), it felt much more informative than the strangely edited reunion shows of yesteryear that always gave too little of what you wanted and too much of what you didn’t.

After all that happened last night, let us all catch our breath.  Stay tuned for my final column of the season next week featuring post-season awards and the final power rankings.  Until…

David J. Bloom can be reached on twitter @davidbloom7 and writes about MTV’s “The Challenge,” pop culture, and the NBA for Bishop and Company. 

"The Challenge", Television

THE CHALLENGE: RIVALS 2 Weekly Power Rankings – Week 9

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If this switch hadn’t already happened before last week’s metaphorical comparative team weigh-in (especially on the men side), the individual slant of these power rankings has become less important.  The final women Jungle elimination is this week and the beginning of The Challenge: Rivals 2 finals are a little over a week away.  It is a team game in which you are only as strong as your ability to successfully minimize your most vulnerable player’s failings.  In the finals you can’t hide Cara Maria’s inability to swim, Johnny’s vomiting after three minutes of heavy cardio (lest Wes let us ever forget), #teamsubtitles communicative shortcomings, or the potential destructive power of Wes’s monster truck (well, actually the last one is entirely irrelevant).  When the final three women teams are set after this week’s Jungle (and the Zapruder Analysis concludes that it may be a disappointing week for a team with player names that rhyme with time after noon and Da Vinci’s most famous painting), the power rankings will explore a more detailed team-by-team analysis.

Despite a depleting individual emphasis, the rankings shakeup on the men side this week does tell a story.  With two straight challenge wins (including the all important choose your own fate ticket in this week’s most difficult challenge that they unabashedly dominated) and a “don’t mess with my partner” burgeoning loyalty among the former foes, CT and Wes are the frontrunners with some distance between the other two teams.  Paula and Emily, locked into the first and second slots in the rankings since Emily moved up to second in week 2, won their sixth (!) challenge this week and are decisively the team to beat on the women side.  They will either win again this week (I predict that it will be Cooke and Cara) or avoid the men vote.

Some additional thoughts on last week…

PRESTON MAGIC! – Although Preston’s New Orleans dysfunctional partnership with Knight came in last in the challenge and the Jungle (forcing their inevitable elimination this week), Preston could not have been more of a star.  Often second guessed by his teammate, his peers, and, admittedly, yours truly, his final performances earned him major “you killed it!” credibility (did you see his initial hit of CT?).  For the second straight season, Preston ends his time in a Challenge on the highest of notes, but this season, with Knight floundering (maybe he was distraught and felt useless now that CT no longer needed a bodyguard, having undertaken full-time Wes protection duty?), Preston may have been given the wrong side of the edit and our subsequent interpretation of it.  Knight, perhaps flippantly, spoke of Preston’s running abilities in his preseason interview, and in this challenge that gassed out Bananas, Marlon, and Knight, Preston strutted his cardio endurance stuff.  In subsequent seasons, I will welcome back Preston with open arms and hope that he can be finally separated from his toxic housemate, Knight.

KNIGHT – His season was a major disappointment on all fronts.  Like Dane Cook’s film career, Dexter, or Donald’s Sterling’s tenure owning the Clippers, his is an act that has gone on far too long.

ROOKIE SUCCESS STORY – I will touch more on this in next week’s finals preview, but the Jordan and Marlon’s road to the finals could not be more impressive.  With two clutch wins in the final two men eliminations, early Jungle avoidance through strong political work, courageous and unpopular decision-making (who can forget Theresa’s charge of betrayal), and some incredible feats of athleticism, Jordan and Marlon are already the most successful rookie team in Challenge history (sorry last year’s Team San Diego who just had easier competition) and they have a legitimate shot to win the finals.  Congratulations to you both.

JENGA discussion – In a desire for objectivity and fairness, I argued that Wes and CT had the overall advantage in their epic battle with Johnny Bananas this week.  However, Frank’s point, while playing Jenga with Paula, was that such a defeat may have provided some much needed motivation for Johnny’s pursuit of a fifth title.  It will be interesting to see how, in challenge this week that has little to no consequence unless TJ throws us for another gameplay bit of sorcery, Johnny bounces back.

Without further hesitation…Here are the individual and team rankings after week 9 heading into the final women elimination…

RIVALS 2 INDIVIDUAL POWER RANKINGS

 NOTE: the rankings will again be based on my un Zach Lowe-like analysis/sabermetrics method known as “My subjective experience and observations watching all 24 seasons of the show.”  Weight will be given to how well teams and individuals do on competitions, on strategy and in the social game, and whether he or she is a “good competitor.” 

THE MEN

1. CT (9th season, last week: 2)

CHALLENGE WINS: 2 (although one was handed to them)

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle, Cooke and Cara Maria, Theresa and Jasmine

2. Johnny Bananas (9th season, last week: 1)

CHALLENGE WINS: 2

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Cooke/Cara Maria)

VOTES FOR: Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria

3. Wes (8th season, last week: 5)

CHALLENGE WINS: 2 (although one was handed to them)

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle, Cooke and Cara Maria, Theresa and Jasmine

4. Frank (2nd season, last week: 4)

CHALLENGE WINS: 2

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Cooke/Cara Maria)

VOTES FOR: Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria

5. Jordan (Rookie season, last week: 3)

CHALLENGE WINS: 1

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Cooke/Naomi/Cara Maria), 1 (Jasmine/Theresa), 1 (Nany/Jonna), 3 (Jemmye/Camila), 2 (Paula/Emily), 2 (Diem/Aneesa)

VOTES FOR: Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria, Theresa and Jasmine

JUNGLE: Beat Leroy and Ty in Week 7, Beat Preston and Knight in Week 9

6. Marlon (Rookie season, last week: 6)

CHALLENGE WINS: 1

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Cooke/Naomi/Cara Maria), 1 (Jasmine/Theresa), 2 (Nany/Jonna), 3 (Jemmye/Camila), 2 (Diem/Aneesa), 2 (Paula/Emily)

VOTES FOR: Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria, Theresa and Jasmine

JUNGLE: Beat Leroy and Ty in Week 7, Beat Preston and Knight in Week 9

ELIMINATED

7. Leroy (3rd season, last week: 7)

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Theresa/Jasmine), 1 (Nany/Jonna), 1 (Diem/Aneesa)

VOTES FOR: Theresa and Jasmine, Nany and Jonna, Aneesa and Diem

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 7

JUNGLE: Beat Zach and Trey (DQ) in Week 5, Lost to Jordan and Marlon in Week 7

8. Preston (2nd season, last week: 8)

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Nany/Jonna), 1 (Paula/Emily), 1 (Cooke/Cara Maria)

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle, Cooke and Cara Maria, Jonna and Nany

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 3 (DQ), Week 9

JUNGLE: Beat Derek and Robb Week 3, Lost to Jordan and Marlon Week 9

9. Ty (4th season, last week: 8)

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Theresa/Jasmine), 1 (Nany/Jonna), 1 (Diem/Aneesa)

VOTES FOR: Theresa and Jasmine, Nany and Jonna, Aneesa and Diem

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 7

JUNGLE: Beat Zach and Trey (DQ) in Week 5, Lost to Jordan and Marlon in Week 7

10. Knight (2nd season, last week: 7)

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Nany/Jonna), 1 (Paula/Emily), 1 (Cooke/Cara Maria)

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle, Cooke and Cara Maria, Jonna and Nany

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 3 (DQ), Week 9

JUNGLE: Beat Derek and Robb Week 3, Loss to Jordan and Marlon Week 9

11. Trey (2nd season, last week: 11)

12. Zach (2nd season, last week: 12)

CHALLENGE WINS: 2

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 5

VOTES FOR: Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria

JUNGLE: DQ against Leroy and Ty

13. Derek (3rd season, last week: 13)

14. Robb (2nd season, last week: 14)

VOTES AGAINST: 8 (Emily/Paula [2], Ana/Jess, Camila/Jemmye [2], Sarah/Trishelle, Diem/Aneesa [2])

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle

JUNGLE: Beat Tyrie and Dunbar Week 1, Lost to Knight and Preston Week 3

15. Dunbar (6 season, last week: 15)

16. Tyrie (6th season, last week: 16)

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 1

JUNGLE: Lost to Derek and Robb Week 1

THE WOMEN

1. Paula (10th season, last week: 1)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb, Knight and Preston, Jordan and Marlon, Jordan and Marlon

CHALLENGE WINS: 6

2. Emily (3rd season, last week: 2)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb, Knight and Preston, Jordan and Marlon, Jordan and Marlon

CHALLENGE WINS: 6

3. Diem (7th season, last week: 3)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb, Leroy and Ty, Jordan and Marlon, Jordan and Marlon

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Leroy/Ty)

CHALLENGE WINS: 1

4. Cooke (Rookie season, last week: 4)

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Zach/Trey), 3 (Johnny/Frank), 2 (Knight/Preston), 2 (Jordan/Marlon), 1 (CT/Wes)

VOTED FOR: Marlon and Jordan, Marlon and Jordan, Johnny and Frank, Knight and Preston, Johnny and Frank

JUNGLE: Beat Jessica and Anastasia Week 2, Beat Nany and Jonna in Week 8

5. Jemmye (2nd season, last week: 5)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb, Jordan and Marlon, Jordan and Marlon, Jordan and Marlon

CHALLENGE WINS: 1

JUNGLE: Beat Theresa and Jasmine in Week 6

6. Aneesa (9th season, last week: 6)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb, Leroy and Ty, Jordan and Marlon, Jordan and Marlon

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Leroy/Ty)

CHALLENGE WINS: 1

7. Camila (5th season, last week: 7)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb, Jordan and Marlon, Jordan and Marlon, Jordan and Marlon

CHALLENGE WINS: 1

JUNGLE: Beat Theresa and Jasmine in Week 6

8. Cara Maria (6th season, last week: 8)

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Zach/Trey), 3 (Johnny/Frank), 2 (Knight/Preston), 2 (Jordan/Marlon), 1 (CT/Wes)

VOTED FOR: Marlon and Jordan, Marlon and Jordan, Johnny and Frank, Knight and Preston, Johnny and Frank

JUNGLE: Beat Jessica and Anastasia Week 2, Beat Nany and Jonna in Week 8

UNFAIRLY SENT HOME

9. Sarah (7th season, last week: 13)

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Derek/Robb, CT/Wes)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb

FACT: Sarah continues to climb in the power rankings and has not been on the show in over a month.

ELIMINATED

10. Nany (2nd season, last week: 7)

VOTED FOR: Knight and Preston, Marlon and Jordan, Leroy and Ty, Jordan and Marlon

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Leroy/Ty), 1 Knight/Preston)

11. Jonna (3rd season, last week: 8)

VOTED FOR: Knight and Preston, Marlon and Jordan, Leroy and Ty, Jordan and Marlon

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Leroy/Ty), 1 Knight/Preston)

12. Jasmine (4th season, last week: 7)

13. Theresa (4th season, last week: 8)

CHALLENGE WINS: 1 (although it was handed to them)

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Leroy/Ty), 1 (Jordan/Marlon), 1 (CT/Wes)

VOTED FOR: Marlon and Jordan, Leroy and Ty, Leroy and Ty

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 4 DQ

JUNGLE: Lost to Jemmye and Camila in Week 6

14. Jessica (Rookie season, last week: 14)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 2

JUNGLE: Lost to Cooke and Cara Maria Week 2

LEFT THE SHOW

15. Naomi (2nd season, last week: 15)

ELIMINATED

16. Anastasia (Rookie season, last week: 16)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 2

JUNGLE: Lost to Cooke and Cara Maria Week 2

QUIT

17. Trishelle (4th season, last week: 17)

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Derek/Robb, CT/Wes)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb

RIVALS 2 TEAM RANKINGS

Note: Team rankings are compiled by averaging the two individual rankings.  Teams with the lowest total average rankings are ranked better than the highest (i.e. you want as few points as possible).  First tiebreaker goes to number of total past wins.  Second tiebreaker goes to years of experience.

1. Paula and Emily – Team Average: 1.5, last week: 1.5

2. CT and Wes – Team Average: 2, last week: 3.5

3. Johnny and Frank – Team Average: 3, last week: 2.5

4. Diem and Aneesa – Team Average: 4.5, last week: 4.5

5. Marlon and Jordan – Team Average: 5.5, last week: 4.5

6. Camila and Jemmye – Team Average: 6, last week: 6

7. Cooke and Cara Maria – Team Average: 6, last week: 6

NO LONGER WITH US…

8. ELIMINATED: Ty and Leroy – Team Average: 8, last week: 7.5

9. ELIMINATED: Knight and Preston – Team Average: 9, last week: 7.5

10. ELIMINATED: Nany and Jonna – Team Average: 10.5, last week: 9.5

11. ELIMINATED: Zach and Trey – Team Average: 11.5, last week: 7.5

12. ELIMINATED: Sarah and Trishelle – Team Average: 13, last week: 15

13. ELIMINATED: Jasmine and Theresa – Team Average: 12.5, last week: 7.5

14. ELIMINATED: Derek and Robb – Team Average: 13.5, last week: 12.5

15. ELIMINATED: Anastasia and Jessica – Team Average: 15, last week: 14.5

16. ELIMINATED: Dunbar and Tyrie – Team Average: 15.5

LEFT THE SHOW: Naomi

David J. Bloom can be reached on twitter @davidbloom7 and writes about MTV’s “The Challenge,” pop culture, and the NBA for Bishop and Company. His “The Challenge: Rivals 2″ power rankings will post weekly starting on July 10.

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THE CHALLENGE: RIVALS 2 – A Good Old-Fashioned Week 8 Recap

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A letdown was inevitable.  Last week’s scintillating episode of The Challenge: Rivals 2 packed as much of what makes this Fifth Major Professional American Sport professional into its one hour runtime, capped off by a Jungle battle for the ages between two teams of superior athletes.  This week’s women elimination week episode begins with a similar “edge of your seat” momentum, but fizzles its way to a women elimination that was less than compelling.

Let’s begin from the top where our remaining competitors are living the Thailand nightlife dream to let off some endorphins after witnessing (or in Jordan and Marlon’s case, participating in) a most epic Jungle.  Frank must have had an off-camera dance floor run-in with Jemmye because he is venting his verbal attack to Jonna, his real life friend and LA roommate, in a well-lit sitting area.  Jemmye is on to Frank’s ways and wishes that Knight would lose his CT bodyguard post just for a minute to protect his old flame.  Jemmye addresses this desire to Knight back at the house.  Intoxication levels are high, which means that Knight is primed to take Jemmye’s request as an opportunity to do what he seems to do best, attempt to destroy her where it hurts the most (the pursuit of a new Challenge house hobby has eluded him thus far).  Camila, a #teamsubtitles loyalist and at present a blood alcohol level risk taker, comes to the defense of her Rival partner.  Knight, to the surprise of no one, sits in his “I didn’t do the deed” state of innocence, as Camila inches closer to the brink of her (as we saw one night on Battle of the Seasons) state of intoxicated insanity.

We all have our people who can really get to us.  For Jemmye it is Knight, and for Camila, it will always be Johnny Bananas.  Amidst a huddle of bro standing, Johnny says something to the effect of “she’s crazy, dude” as only Johnny can do.  Camila’s volcano of uncontrollable rage and violence literally erupts, but unlike Frank’s similar quick trigger from last week, Camila’s lava flow is just a bit messier.  Paula, Jemmye, and especially Emily, become team “help Camila simmer down.”  Camila kicks, screams, flails, and RAGES a monstrosity of animus toward Johnny.  If not for Emily’s Herculean efforts of restraint, Camila would have attempted to make Johnny a human bobble-head.  Jemmye’s moral of the story to Camila when active raging has ceased, “we can only trust ourselves.”  #Teamsubtitles is learning to understand one another.

All is well again on challenge day (alcohol’s role in extracurricular nighttime activities must not go unnoticed) and TJ is ready to present this week’s fun scenario involving competitors falling from great heights into water, production’s weekly go to (Hmm, would it be possible to try something different more often?  Last week’s Blind Leading the Blind shock-a-thon was awesome!).  This week it is Swingers, a challenge that begins with an impossible trapeze artist attempt followed by an endless swim through a nasty current (of the water kind, unlike the electrical kind from last week).  Cooke and Cara Maria are inevitably chosen to go first (Diem and Aneesa do not let them catch a break in the order – has their every been a team who was more consistently lower in the totem pole over the course of a Challenge season who has stayed this long as Cooke and Cara?  I think not.).  Despite Cooke’s incredible trapeze artistry, this challenge is really about the swim, and, apparently, Cara can’t.  Current or no current, Cooke spends the near twenty minutes of participation motivating her partner to breath and fight through the panic.  It is admittedly hard to watch Cara, self-effacing to a fault, struggle through an activity that is not in her stable of tricks.  They do finish (the journey to the final buoy seemed to take up an entire segment of the show between commercials), but without another women team disqualification, a trip back to the Jungle for Cooke and Cara seems to be near certain.

Two men teams, ignoring the $1000 reward, logic, or the potential repercussions next week, voluntarily tap out.  Although Knight already had finished, Preston is unfortunately swimming in the wrong direction (at least he is a great runner, right Knight?).  In a more surprising turn, rookie sensation Marlon gives in to the current (much to Jordan’s competitive juiced chagrin) and DQs as well.

Frontrunner teams have similar successes – Frank and Paula are beasts in the open ocean.  Both Johnny and Emily have more difficulty than their superstar partners, but compared to Preston and Cara, they look more like Ryan Lochte and Missy Franklin than Little John from Robinhood: Prince of Thieves.  CT and Wes, sneakily under the radar as a serious contender this season, swim to the best male team time.  Nany and Jonna compete, but both Aneesa and Diem and Jemmye and Camila excel (Who knew the #teamsubtitles catastrophe duo from the night before were trained lifeguards?).  In a mere five-seconds better than Aneesa and Diem, Jemmye and Camila win (my preseason prognosticating is proving to be accurate) and are safe from this second to last women Jungle.  No surprise, Cara Maria and Cooke were the last place women team and now must make their claim to stay in the Jungle.

This week’s voting deliberation focus is squarely on Frank and Jonna’s relationship.  We learn that they are LA roommates and that Frank was an instrumental support when Jonna broke up with Zach.  Unfortunately, as the alliances are currently constituted, the two teams Frank would have voted for are either safe (Jemmye and Camila) or already in the Jungle (Cara and Cooke).  He couldn’t possibly vote for Paula and Emily (expected from the Johnny bond) or Diem and Aneesa (unexpected, did CT and Johnny’s teams join forces after week 1 in a strategic game changer that the audience was not aware of?).  Jonna’s potential hurt is not enough to dissuade Frank from what he feels is in his team’s best strategic interest.  According to Diem, Jonna and Nany’s strategy has been too “wishy-washy” anyway (whatever this means).

The 3-1 vote (Jordan and Marlon, trying to stick it to Johnny and Frank, vote for Paula and Emily) settles the Jonna and Nany versus Cooke and Cara Maria Jungle battle.  This week’s game is Snapper, the one where Knight and Preston’s swordplay and verbal strategy (who can forget “Nola! Nola!”) eliminated Derek and Robb so many weeks ago.  Like most Jungle games, Snapper is determined by winning 2 out of 3 (could we at least go 3 out of 5 next season, please?).  Cooke beats Nany in the first heat because Cara’s directional code words are louder than anything Jonna says (maybe she is perplexed by Frank’s decision to wear her shorts with her name on it on his head in a show of solidarity.  Where was his solidarity in the vote?).  The second heat is as undramatic as the first.  Cara beats Jonna (cameras don’t capture these thin wooden swords too well in HD) and Jonna and Nany are eliminated, just like that (strangely unremarkable second season for Nany after such a promising rookie campaign in Battle of the Seasons.).

After last week’s Jungle elimination for the ages, the letdown this week is real.  Moving on…

There are now four men teams and four women teams left and one more elimination for each gender.  Next week proves to be the much anticipated physical altercation between Johnny and his actual rivals, CT and Wes and the much anticipated goodbye to Preston and Knight (or so I predict).  Stay tuned for a new power rankings before the episode next week…

David J. Bloom can be reached on twitter @davidbloom7 and writes about MTV’s “The Challenge,” pop culture, and the NBA for Bishop and Company. His “The Challenge: Rivals 2″ power rankings will post weekly starting on July 10.

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THE CHALLENGE: Rivals 2 – Women’s Suffering

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Over the past two weeks, The Challenge: Rivals 2 has been mired in questionable production decisions (and I am not even referring to the decision to provide limited AC to the competitors in the most hot and humid of environments.  What the Phuket, indeed.)  First there was Sarah’s irrational and erroneous all-too-familiar and all-too-soon of a forced goodbye.  Then last week, after a creepily over the top fear fest of a Jungle elimination, TJ announced a stay on unnecessary shock therapy and the “nobody is going home this week” twist which just demeans hard fought competition and all the competitors immersed in it.  This week’s episode was certainly not devoid of questionable decisions (challenge winners CT and Wes and Theresa and Jasmine didn’t exactly earn their honors after they were given a free walk across the balance beam, pretty much everything that Knight does at this point) and costly mistakes (Zach and Trey lost their Jungle victory when video replay showed a clear rule violation), but at least these blunders were par for the game and not some byproduct of overreaching and failing producers.

Among a substantial handful of lapses in judgement, gameplay gaffes, and strategic miscalculations (I am telling you, the Confessioner was most needed this week), this week’s collective women’s vote really took the aptly named “What the Phuket?” episode title to a whole new and unimaginable level.  A full breakdown of the voting proceedings is the only way to do this clinic in logic avoidance and rational thought depravation justice:

Preliminary note: This all started with Knight’s announcement of “The man, the myth, the legend.  Often imitated, but never duplicated…TJ Lavin.”  Why can’t he have more moments like this and fewer moments like this?

Vote #1: Theresa and Jasmine, the challenge “winners” 

Voted for: “Uh, Leroy and Ty.” – Theresa

Percentage illogical: 86%

Pre-Vote Interview Quotation: “I don’t want to tick anyone off, so the best thing for me and Jaz to do, is just throw our vote away.” – Theresa

Post-Vote Interview Quotation: “She says, ‘Leroy and Ty.’  I’m like, ‘What?’ If you throw away a vote on someone, you normally come and tell them before you just say their name out loud.” – Leroy

My take: Let the voting silliness begin!  Yes, there have been some random throw away votes in the past (last week, Leroy and Ty voted randomly for Nany and Jonna for example), but Theresa, you never vote for the dude you are currently sharing a bed with if you want to continue (as she does) to share that bed.  I know she did not expect what followed to follow, but there is no reason for Theresa to even place herself in the realm of the worst case scenario possibility.  This was the most bizarre of first votes and unquestionably set the tone for what was to come.  There is a reason you earn the right to vote first by winning the challenge, and the karma effect on the Jasmine and Theresa challenge free pass is at play.

Vote #2: Cooke and Cara Maria

Voted for: “We’re going to give Zach who he wants, uh Johnny and Frank. “ – Cooke

Percentage illogical: 42%

My take: This would have been completely logical (Johnny and Frank have voted against Cooke and Cara Maria in both men votes and are the frontrunners who you want to try to take down), but for Cooke’s assertion that she is going to “give Zach who he wants.”  If anything became blatantly apparent this episode, Rivals 2 Zach (yelling at Sam Battle of the Seasons Zach for that matter) does not deserve to get what he wants (as Bunim/Murray camera operators and broken objects in his room can attest).

Vote #3: Camila and Jemmye

Voted for: “We’re going to go with the rookies this time, Jordan and Marlon.” – Camila

Percentage illogical: 37%

My take: After last week’s mortuusequusphobia outbreak, you would think that Jemmye would be ready to cut ties with her former New Orleans cast mate lesser half.  The rookie vote is certainly a safe one here (at some point Jordan and Marlon may have to prove themselves in a Jungle) and can be easily rationalized, but after seeing an early split vote, why not get the Knight and Preston goodbye tour on the road?

Vote #4: Nany and Jonna

Voted for: “We’re gonna do Ty and Leroy.” – Nany

Percentage illogical: 98%

Interview rationalization: “We vote for Ty and Leroy because there are two teams after us that are most likely voting for Jordan and Marlon.” – Nany

Leroy’s take: “Nany throws my name out and I am in such shock, like, someone who I have a close bond with, you know, another dagger.”

My take: What were Nany and Jonna thinking?  Let’s just presume that Nany is confident, as she stated, that the other two remaining teams will be voting for Jordan and Marlon, why give your vote here to Leroy, a loyal friend from Las Vegas, when you can vote for the first time for Knight and Preston with seemingly no harm done?  This makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Vote #5: Aneesa and Diem

Voted for: “Um, we are also going to vote for Leroy and Ty.” – Diem, as Aneesa bows and shakes her head in her hands in protest, effectively throwing Leroy and Ty into the Jungle

Percentage illogical: 64%

Wes’ telling take: “You’re fucking awesome.”

Diem’s take: “How would I know the girl that’s sleeping with Leroy would throw in his name first?  How would I know that Nany, someone who is like family to Leroy, would be the second team that throws Leroy and Ty’s name in?  Why should I correct your mistake?”

CT’s take: “Leroy and his gang of girls are so caught up with burning votes, that they burn themselves.  I mean, that’s classic.”

My take: Sure, Diem and Aneesa could have deliberated before the vote and determined that with Leroy and Ty relatively close to several other women teams, it made sense to vote for these guys out of self protection.  However, after watching Aneesa’s plea to go a different route at the actual moment of vote, clearly an audible could have been called.  No offense, but Diem’s desire to not correct the mistake of other teams makes little to no sense here.  You are not responsible for the mistakes of other teams, but just for the mistake of your own.  If you did not want Leroy and Ty to go in, vote for someone else and hope that Paula and Emily will go different route too.  There was just not a fair amount of strategic thoughtfulness at play.

Vote #6: Paula and Emily

Voted for: “Knight and Preston!” – Paula

Percentage illogical: 0%

My take: As at least Paula and Emily have figured out, Knight and Preston deserved to go into the Jungle.  Why one of the other six teams did not go this direction will be one of this season’s lingering mysteries.

Let’s recap: Theresa and Jasmine voted for Leroy and Ty as a complete throw away vote.  Cooke and Cara Maria voted for Johnny and Frank to please Zach.  Camila and Jemmye voted for Jordan and Marlon because they are rookies.  Nany and Jonna voted for Leroy and Ty because there were two other teams left.  Diem and Aneesa voted for Leroy and Ty because they should not be reactive to other team’s mistakes.  Paula and Emily voted for Knight and Preston because it actually made sense.  One vote makes sense, one vote can be rationalized, one vote may have had poor motivation but could be argued for, and three votes bring to question logic and strategic gameplay acumen.  After Zach and Trey’s rule violation in the Jungle, Leroy and Ty thankfully dodged this undeserved chad hanging, so all is well.  May the lesson be learned that unlike my Presidential vote from the state of MA, every vote on The Challenge does count.

Tough moment, ladies.  At least we can’t blame production this time.

David J. Bloom can be reached on twitter @davidbloom7 and writes about MTV’s “The Challenge,” pop culture, and the NBA for Bishop and Company. His “The Challenge: Rivals 2″ power rankings will post weekly starting on July 10.

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THE CHALLENGE: RIVALS 2 Weekly Power Rankings – Week 4

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This week’s gameplay “twist” courtesy of a production team that has now been responsible for botching two out of four episodes of The Challenge: Rivals 2 with misguided decision making, left this week’s power rankings in a little bit of a tough spot.  Subjective assessment of structured competition is one thing, but subjective assessment of unstructured competition beholden to arbitrary decrees that ostracize the viewer is quite another.  At one point I considered a week 4 power rankings boycott to highlight my strong objection to recent events, but we did have a challenge, a vote, and a plethora of extracurricular nighttime activity to pull from to bring some credibility to the attempt.  I hope that future weeks of this season are devoid of any additional production irritation so that we can again focus on the incredible competition and strategic gameplay that makes this fifth professional sport just so good.

Before we hit the rankings, my episode re-watch provoked some additional thoughts…

Diem

Wow, Diem is a sensation.  I touched on this in my photo diary earlier in the week, but Diem’s generous and beautiful openness in sharing some of the lingering ripple effects of self-consciousness of her heroic cancer journey continues to be the most important real story in the Bunim/Murray produced world since Pedro Zamora’s courageous onscreen battle with AIDS on Real World: San Francisco so many years ago.  Through the chronicling of her fear of exposing the after effects of hair loss, we see the truth of a person who, after having been through so much already, still struggles with a seemingly more manageable obstacle to overcome.  The exposure of this vulnerability juxtaposed with the obvious strength and fortitude she has summoned to beat cancer into remission twice is such a privilege of human nuance to be able to see on television.  Beyond her pixie cut dance floor coming out party, Diem is playing this game at the highest of levels.  She and Aneesa have now been fighting Paula and Emily for first place on challenges (beating them appears to still be the tallest of orders) and they seem to be controlling any potential uprising against them in a vote.  Diem’s alleged rap skills and ensuing backlash led to great moments of unintentional comedy (Paula’s performance was a particular highlight) and her relationship with CT appears to be in the supportive and healthy zone (at least for now).  Four weeks in, and Diem is just hitting her stride.

“Why couldn’t you have done mustard, bro.” – Trey

Seriously, Knight.  Jemmye’s mortuusequusphobia, as odd and hard to understand to the average condiment user as it may be, is very real to Jemmye.  Knight’s ketchup attack is unnecessary, unusual, and definitely cruel.  Notwithstanding, Jemmye’s acute bout of mortuusequusphobia must go down on the pantheon of “You are never going to guess what happened last night on The Challenge” moments next to Shauvon’s implant pop, Devyn’s appearance in the Battle of the Seasons finale, and anything involving Brooke.

“No one likes you.” – Jemmye

Fighting through her tears, Jemmye managed to echo the separated space between she and Knight with this sentence.  My question, which seems to increasingly answer itself each subsequent week, is she right?  I had a reasonably high expectations for Knight this season to start flexing his strategic gameplay mastery (as he started to do on Battle of the Seasons), but so far, he is either been CT’s unofficial bodyguard or a tactless bully.  Raise the integrity of your game, bro.

“I never hooked up with Jemmye.  I figured it would be a possibility that we would, but there’s definitely way too much drama.  I pretty much want to stay out of it.” – Leroy

Leroy, who narrowly missed out on the episode MVP to a Diem locomotive of inspiration (a boost in the rankings did result), is making every right decision, finding a rhythm in challenges with Ty, and playing the social game as well as anyone has.  Most telling, when he decided to pursue Theresa after Jemmye and Knight drama turned him off, Jemmye was complimentary and understanding.  How could you not like Leroy?  He is playing each moment so rationally and so cooly (the throw away vote for Nany and Jonna was the underrated strategic move of the episode) to the point where the women are going to be reluctant to vote against him because he is hard not to like.

“These rookies are coming at us pretty hard right now.  They’re looking like a really tough team. It’s time everybody stopped sleeping on them and uh, try to figure out a way to get rid of them.” – CT, actually making a lot of sense

Jordan and Marlon, coming off their first challenge win, must not be underestimated.  They are the superior 2.0 version of Leroy and Mike Mike from Rivals 1 (except Jordan is – no offense Mike – athletically off the charts) and Leroy and Mike made it to the finals on Rivals, so a rookie return this season is very much in play.  Jordan and Marlon will compete to win challenges going forward, so CT is right to worry about finding a way to get rid of them.  It will be most interesting to see how this all plays out.

One note before we move on to the rankings…the Rivals finale featured three men teams and three women teams.  If Rivals 2 follows this same format, it is all about making it to the final three of your respective gender.  With that in mind, nine out of the remaining twelve teams (five men teams and four women teams) right now have a legitimate shot at making the finals.  Besides the obvious frontrunners, the difference between numbers 3 and 8 for the women and 3 and 10 for the men are minute at this point in the competition.  If you fall out of the group of the contenders, it is a problem, but if you are any where in that mix right now, you are in a good position.  Next week’s men elimination will be a real tell when at least one of the five contenders will have to make a trip to the Jungle.  For now, we gestate in a little state of production induced limbo.

Once again, as became tradition last year during Battle of the Seasons, the individual competitor power rankings and team power rankings will be released weekly sometime shortly after each new episode airing.  Here are the individual and team rankings after week 4…

RIVALS 2 INDIVIDUAL POWER RANKINGS

 NOTE: the rankings will again be based on my un Zach Lowe-like analysis/sabermetrics method known as “My subjective experience and observations watching all 24 seasons of the show.”  Weight will be given to how well teams and individuals do on competitions, on strategy and in the social game, and whether he or she is a “good competitor.”  

THE MEN

THE FRONTRUNNERS

1. Johnny Bananas (9th season, last week: 1)

2. Frank (2nd season, last week: 2)

CHALLENGE WINS: 1

VOTES FOR: Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria

Johnny, Frank, and the Johnny Bobble-head seem to be untouchable and free from a potential vote into the Jungle.  As long as they stay out of the bottom of a challenge (Knight and Preston make it awfully difficult for other teams to come in last), they are primed to remain frontrunners until the finale.

THE CONTENDERS 

3. Leroy (3rd season, last week: 6)

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Theresa/Jasmine)

VOTES FOR: Theresa and Jasmine, Nany and Jonna

4. CT (9th season, last week: 5)

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle

5. Jordan (Rookie season, last week: 7)

6. Marlon (Rookie season, last week: 8)

CHALLENGE WINS: 1

VOTES AGAINST: 4 (Cooke/Naomi/Cara Maria [2], Jasmine/Theresa, Nany/Jonna)

VOTES FOR: Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria

7. Zach (2nd season, last week: 3)

8. Trey (2nd season, last week: 4)

CHALLENGE WINS: 2

VOTES FOR: Cooke and Cara Maria, Cooke and Cara Maria

9. Ty (4th season, last week: 10)

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Theresa/Jasmine)

VOTES FOR: Theresa and Jasmine, Nany and Jonna

10. Wes (8th season, last week: 9)

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle, Cooke and Cara Maria

Presuming Johnny and Frank as locks, two of these teams will make the finals and two of these teams will not.  Challenge execution is going to become increasingly important.  Zach and Trey won the first two, Johnny and Frank the third, and Jordan and Marlon won this week (with Ty and Leroy close behind).  At some point (likely next week), Preston and Knight will be sent home and one of these teams will have to place last in a challenge.  Strategic politicking with the women teams is only half of the equation – so it will be telling over the next few weeks which of these teams can build some consistent challenge winning.  CT and Wes seem to have the most work cut out for them in challenge success.

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME…

11. Knight (2nd season, last week: 11)

12. Preston (2nd season, last week: 14)

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Nany/Jonna)

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle, Cooke and Cara Maria

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 3 (DQ)

JUNGLE: Beat Derek and Robb Week 3

Another week means another stern Knight and Preston condemnation from TJ the Great.  Week 5 should be their last on this season.

ELIMINATED

13. Derek (3rd season, last week: 12)

14. Robb (2nd season, last week: 13)

VOTES AGAINST: 8 (Emily/Paula [2], Ana/Jess, Camila/Jemmye [2], Sarah/Trishelle, Diem/Aneesa [2])

VOTES FOR: Sarah and Trishelle

JUNGLE: Beat Tyrie and Dunbar Week 1, Lost to Knight and Preston Week 3

15. Dunbar (6 season, last week: 15)

16. Tyrie (6th season, last week: 16)

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 1

JUNGLE: Lost to Derek and Robb Week 1

 

THE WOMEN

THE FRONTRUNNERS

1. Paula (10th season, last week: 1)

2. Emily (3rd season, last week: 2)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb

CHALLENGE WINS: 4

TJ, before the vote: “Paula and Emily – Absolutely killing it this season.  I can’t even believe it.”  There is no stopping them in challenges (although Aneesa and Diem are putting up a great fight!) and until they come close to losing, their top spot in the rankings is unshakeable.

THE CONTENDERS

3. Aneesa (9 seasons, last week: 3)

4. Diem (7th season, last week: 6)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb

5. Jemmye (2nd season, last week: 5)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb

6. Nany (2nd season, last week: 4)

VOTED FOR: Knight and Preston, Marlon and Jordan

VOTES AGAINST: Leroy and Ty

7. Camila (5th season, last week: 7)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb, Derek and Robb

8. Jonna (3rd season, last week: 8)

VOTED FOR: Knight and Preston, Marlon and Jordan

VOTES AGAINST: Leroy and Ty

Aneesa and Diem have put a little distance between them and the rest of this pack.  The two women votes have piled on to Cara Maria and Cooke thus far, so it is hard to tell which of the Camila/Jemmye and Jonna/Nany teams would fall next in line.  Johnny’s relationship with Camila must not be underestimated here as an advantage that she and Jemmye may still have.  Nany and Jonna may have a few male team friends, but beyond Leroy’s loyalty (notwithstanding the arbitrary vote this week), who else will be in their corner?

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME…

9. Jasmine (4th season, last week: 9)

10. Theresa (4th season, last week: 10)

VOTES AGAINST: 1 (Leroy/Ty)

VOTED FOR: Marlon and Jordan, Leroy and Ty

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 4 DQ

11. Cooke (Rookie season, last week: 11)

12. Cara Maria (6th season, last week: 12)

VOTES AGAINST: 9 (Zach/Trey [2], Johnny/Frank [2], Knight/Preston [2], Jordan/Marlon [2], CT/Wes)

VOTED FOR: Marlon and Jordan, Marlon and Jordan

JUNGLE: Beat Jessica and Anastasia Week 2

Jasmine and Theresa, despite losing the challenge, had their best week yet (great airtime, the budding Leroy/Theresa relationship, Jasmine’s intimidating hairstyle, avoiding an elimination they deserved to go in).  Cooke and Cara Maria must consider this week a win as well.  They are clearly at the bottom of the power structure (proving themselves in Jungles will be their only chance of salvation), but they now have a free week to try to at least partially right their near disastrous collaboration in challenges in order to attempt to press Paula and Emily during the next women elimination day.  Unless one of these two teams miraculously wins two weeks from now, it will be hard to conceive the next Jungle without at least one, if not both teams fighting against elimination.

UNFAIRLY SENT HOME

13. Sarah (7th season, last week: 13)

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Derek/Robb, CT/Wes)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb

ELIMINATED

14. Jessica (Rookie season, last week: 14)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 2

JUNGLE: Lost to Cooke and Cara Maria Week 2

LEFT THE SHOW

15. Naomi (2nd season, last week: 15)

ELIMINATED

16. Anastasia (Rookie season, last week: 16)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb

CHALLENGE LOSS: Week 2

JUNGLE: Lost to Cooke and Cara Maria Week 2

QUIT

17. Trishelle (4th season, last week: 17)

VOTES AGAINST: 2 (Derek/Robb, CT/Wes)

VOTED FOR: Derek and Robb

 

RIVALS 2 TEAM RANKINGS

Note: Team rankings are compiled by averaging the two individual rankings.  Teams with the lowest total average rankings are ranked better than the highest (i.e. you want as few points as possible).  First tiebreaker goes to number of total past wins.  Second tiebreaker goes to years of experience.

THE FRONTRUNNERS

1. Johnny and Frank – Team Average: 1.5, last week: 1.5

2. Paula and Emily – Team Average: 1.5, last week: 1.5

THE CONTENDERS

3. Diem and Aneesa – Team Average: 3.5, last week: 4.5

4. Marlon and Jordan – Team Average: 5.5, last week: 7.5

5. Ty and Leroy – Team Average: 6, last week: 8

6. Camila and Jemmye – Team Average: 6, last week: 6

7. CT and Wes – Team Average: 7, last week: 7

8. Nany and Jonna – Team Average: 7, last week: 6

9. Zach and Trey – Team Average: 7.5, last week: 3.5

IT IS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME…

10. Jasmine and Theresa – Team Average: 9.5, last week: 9.5

11. Cooke and Cara Maria – Team Average: 11.5, last week: 13.5

12. Knight and Preston – Team Average: 11.5, last week: 12.5

NO LONGER WITH US…

13. ELIMINATED: Sarah and Trishelle – Team Average: 15, last week: 6.5

14. ELIMINATED: Derek and Robb – Team Average: 13.5, last week: 12.5

15. ELIMINATED: Anastasia and Jessica – Team Average: 15, last week: 14.5

16. ELIMINATED: Dunbar and Tyrie – Team Average: 15.5

LEFT THE SHOW: Naomi

Next week is a men’s elimination (we presume) and the preview clip was an amalgamation of misdirection, prominently featuring a Zach battle with the camera, Theresa’s onscreen comeback part II, and bodies falling from high structures into the water (a Challenge staple).  Let’s just hope we can get back to the game format where challenges actually matter.

David J. Bloom can be reached on twitter @davidbloom7 and writes about MTV’s “The Challenge,” pop culture, and the NBA for Bishop and Company. His “The Challenge: Rivals 2″ power rankings will post weekly starting on July 10.

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THE CHALLENGE: How Production Loses Again and a Rivals 2 Photo Diary Recap

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When I opened up my Macbook Pro last night to begin my weekly post The Challenge: Rivals 2 episode writing recap ritual, I found myself stuck in a flash Thailand hail storm of prose creation blockage.  The fourth episode of the season had just ended with an unexpected twist.  The Mighty TJ Lavin, adorned in a campy mad scientist apron, had just presented the Jungle elimination as a sadistic and creepy game of which team can sustain an electric shock longer.  The Challengers are often subjected to a degree of physical pain throughout a season while partaking in feats of athleticism (particularly the endurance fest the finale has become), but this electrified conceit was shockingly (pun so intended) inappropriate and in the poorest of tastes.  Not since the gas chamber challenge on Cutthroat had the good people at Bunim/Murray crossed the line so far.  I sat there on my “you are not making the eventual move from this apartment because you are so uncomfortable” futon wishing that little Jasmine would refrain from participating because I had genuine concerns for her life.

All of this mongering of fear had been for not.  TJ announced that this Jungle was a bit of a ruse and that there would be no elimination tonight.  Normally, I would say, “Oooooh, a twist!”, but after an immediate analysis, Trishelle’s untimely departure and the Bunim/Murray unconscionable removal of Sarah from the competition, left the women teams uneven with the guys.  Jasmine and Theresa (great episode for both) and Cooke and Cara Maria, the bottom two women teams in the competition (both according to my power rankings and in where they stand in the power structure of the game) would be safe from elimination this week because production needed to realign the numbers.  If you shared my displeasure with last week or had the pleasure (I hope!) of reading my scalding condemnation of production for unfairly saying goodbye to Sarah (now a second time), this week’s “sorry, the challenge didn’t really matter, you are all safe!” declaration just exacerbated the bitter taste already lingering in my mouth.

The decisions of the last two weeks bring the sanctity of the competition into question.  As the debacle of officiating in the NBA over the last decade plus (an applicable nadir was the erroneous and series/destiny changing suspensions of Boris Diaw and Amare Stoudemire in the Suns/Spurs series in 2007 for leaving “the immediate vicinity of the bench” after Robert Horry’s hip check of Steve Nash into the scorer’s table) has had an adverse effect on the outcome of games, series, and careers, these production decisions are negatively affecting the careers of competitors (you think it is easy for Paula and Emily to win four challenges in a row and then have the fourth deemed null and void?).  With all of this in mind, I needed to take a break from this tomfoolery last night and tabled my recap until this morning.

Although my perspective may be fresher, my unrest and displeasure remain as potent.  Subsequently, it seems like the perfect time then for this season’s first photo diary (utilizing the weekly images provided by MTV.com) to structure and focus my thoughts and keep me away from another rant.

The Challengers get there party on...
The Challengers get their party on…

Before this picture was shot, Wes (of all people) gave a little toast at the Diamond Beachclub of Phuket, Thailand: “This to the family we never had…”  I know that strong and lasting relationships are built over course of Challenge seasons, but such a proclamation fits into the unintentionally comedic gentility of this new version of Wes.  The once centerpiece of Challenge competitive angst and subsequent opponent animosity, now simply views The Challenge as a vacation with family.  Can we please fly in Kenny and Evan to inspire some competitive drive and spirit back into him?

Nany confronts Diem about her supposed rap.
Nany confronts Diem about her supposed rap.

You had me at “supposed rap.”  This begs several questions: does Diem come up with raps often?  Who are her hip-hop influences?  Did she run some of the lyrics by Jay Dillinger before publicly presenting?  Besides Jemmye, who else was her desired audience?  If her rap were a more melodic song, would Nany have cared?  What if her rap were actually good, would Nany have respected it?  If I had told you before tonight’s episode that Nany confronts Diem about a supposed rap, would you have ever believed me?  Did Nany write a rap of her own as retaliation?  If so, who were her hip-hop influences?

Paula enjoys the made up rap with other housemates.
Paula enjoys the made up rap with other housemates.

In the rap saga part II, Johnny and Leroy (a candidate for episode MVP) come up with a rap about Nany of their own.  It goes something like this (and yes, I transcribed most of it):

“Me and my partner are like Clyde and Bonnie

but if it’s one person in this house I can’t stand, it’s this whore named Nany.

You’re just a rookie so stay in your place,

You keep trying to fuck CT I will slap your face.

Johnny’s nothing but an asshole modern day Tom Sawyer.

Nany is clearly the classiest girl in this house because she fucked Adam Royer.

I know this rap song makes me sound bitter.  I can’t wait to block her ass on twitter.

I’m Diem DB Brown.  Nany don’t be mad at me because the whole house knows your always (too hard to make out)

I’ve never seen so many hoes with broke ass faces, now everybody go to sleep…#shhhhhhh.”

First, any disparaging or condescending reference to Adam Royer is much appreciated (my least favorite member of any The Challenge cast ever).  Second, I give much credit to Johnny and Leroy for their writing, Paula for her impromptu performance, and the jovial bystanders and participants for converting the silliest of extracurricular nighttime situations into a fun daytime group activity.  Poor Nany did not find it as much fun (her immediate destruction of this historical text was swift and decisive).

Cooke and Cara Maria become "stumped" during the challenge.
Cooke and Cara Maria become “stumped” during the challenge.

This was a hard challenge to watch because you could never really tell what was going on.  The competitors were in the middle of a bamboo maze that they could barely figure out, so the viewer was in an even more untenable position.  However, just listening to the challenge was quite entertaining and presented many different examples of both ineffective and effective partner communication.  Cooke and Cara Maria were leading the charge for ineffective communication.  Paula and Emily (female winners), Johnny and Frank, and Marlon and Jordan (male winners) proved that in the Rivals conceit, how well you and your partner communicate in the moment can determine your ultimate success.  Preston and Knight, it what feels like for the 100th time, couldn’t get their act to together and didn’t seem to care (TJ, can we penalize them again?).  Jemmye and Camila continued to prove why the #teamsubtitles is appropriate and most entertaining.

Diem and Aneesa get creative as they compete.
Diem and Aneesa get creative as they compete.

Power rankings don’t lie.  Do not sleep on Aneesa and Diem.  Aneesa, in incredible physical shape and keenly aware of the importance of partner loyalty and alignment, is growing stronger by the week.  Her creativity here was one of the only physical moments of the challenge that you could tell was beast and almost led to a victory over Paula and Emily.  After staving off Cooke’s attempt to send them in to the Jungle that didn’t actually matter, they seem to be reasonably protected from any assault from some of the younger challenge competitors.  For a team that I did not predict could go too far, they are proving me wrong.

The Challengers watch another team compete.
The Challengers watch another team compete.

This is not the most exciting of photos, but the only one of the batch that highlights Jasmine and Theresa, who, despite losing the challenge, had one of the best weeks of any team.  They both finally made it off of the cutting room floor to have some featured airtime (Jasmine’s fro of intimidation at the vote and Theresa’s wise opportunity taking with Leroy were particular highlights) and managed, through another production decision snafu, to avoid elimination and participation in a Jungle that seemed to be life threatening (especially to Jasmine).  Welcome to Rivals 2, ladies!

Johnny bobble-head throws Cooke and Cara Maria under the bus.
Johnny bobble-head throws Cooke and Cara Maria under the bus.

On Real World: Portland, there was Daisy, the little provocative, but lovable trouble maker of a house pet cared for by Averey and Johnny, and clandestinely beloved by the Hurricane they called Nia.  Now, as every major professional sport must, The Challenge: Rivals 2 has its own mascot in this Johnny Bananas bobble-head (available at suckyeah.com, the J.E.K. Empire’s clothing line).  Aware of the incredible possibilities that this bobble-head can provide, production wasted no time utilizing his obvious talents.  More Johnny Bananas bobble-head in the future is only the best of things.

Cooke pleads with Wes and CT for teams safety.
Cooke pleads with Wes and CT for teams safety.

Cooke gave a valiant attempt (and even inspired Leroy and Ty to have a most random vote for Nany and Jonna), but other teams were not so easily swayed.  Unless they win a challenge, Cooke and Cara Maria are at the bottom of the totem pole and will continue to have to prove themselves in eliminations.

Knight gets into an argument with Jemmye.
Knight gets into an argument with Jemmye.

Well, a Knight and Jemmye blowout was bound to happen at some point.  Jemmye was engaged in a random depantsing of Cooke and took offense to Knight’s attempt at involvement.  Knight, just tired of hearing Jemmye’s voice and probably a little jealous (or so production implies) that Jemmye had a little flirtatious thing going with Leroy, couldn’t help himself.  This led to this…

Jemmye has a meltdown after having ketchup thrown at her.
Jemmye has a meltdown after having ketchup thrown at her.

…We all have our breaking points and for Jemmye it is an acute case of Mortuusequusphobia (the title of the episode): the abnormal fear of ketchup.  Knight, ready to exploit Jemmye’s greatest weakness in both an attempt to embarrass and derail, attacked her with her personal kryptonite.  I realize that it was just ketchup, but to Jemmye (especially after witnessing her horrified reaction) it means the end of the world.  Knight’s action is just cruel.  I am really not sure what is going on with Knight this season.  He plays the “I am better than all this” attitude card, but then says things and does things that are so mean-spirited.  Why can’t he attempt to showcase his better qualities than having to devolve into a unlikable jerk?  I expected more.  The winner in all this is Leroy (furthering his episode MVP case), who, after observing the just too much drama, moved on from Jemmye to Theresa.

After gaining some confidence dances freely without her wig.
After gaining some confidence dances freely without her wig.

Finally, this was truly a beautiful moment.  Diem’s incredible and heroic battles against cancer and the consummate model and example she leads is the most important thing that has come out of this Challenge world.  Her self-consciousness in regards to her hair loss, once the centerpiece of a budding romance between she and CT so many seasons ago, remains a point of low self-esteem.  To see her lose this inhibition one more time and be able to overcome this last obstacle of this part of the journey is a privilege for us viewers.  Diem – I so wish you could always understand just a beautiful a person you are and how thankful we are for you to have shared your story with us.  This pixie cut is fantastic.

David J. Bloom can be reached on twitter @davidbloom7 and writes about MTV’s “The Challenge,” pop culture, and the NBA for Bishop and Company. His “The Challenge: Rivals 2″ power rankings will post weekly starting on July 10.

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RIVALS 2 – Episode 2 – The Confessioner’s Rules

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In last week’s weekly power rankings, I introduced the decidedly half-baked (some of my friends questioned the name, but I stand by it!) idea of “The Confessioner.”  Explored more in depth in my week 1 power rankings opus, “The Confessioner” would be a neutral figure that competitors could meet with (both through appointment and through an office hours like system) to seek out strategy tips, relationship advice, workout regimens, group activity ideas to fight against boredom, and conflict resolution for alcohol infused and infested extracurricular nighttime activities.  The Challenge house is one step closer to Arkham Asylum than to the Fortress of Solitude (cross DC Comics metaphors are allowed), so the addition of a such an invaluable resource could be of great sustenance to many a participant.

Coming off of tonight’s wildly entertaining (although devoid of a Johnny Bananas twitter teased and probable father disowned unnamed act) second episode of The Challenge: Rivals 2 season, here are 16 rules (with no discernible method to the order) from the hypothetical Confessioner:

Rule #1 – Before an elimination round in the Jungle, eat more than watermelon and cigarettes.

We all know it can be terribly hot and humid in Thailand and a healthy dose of rookie nerves in your first elimination (or for Tyrie, it appears to be in all six of his) is to be expected, but Anastasia’s nausea delay pre-elimination and full-blown nausea attack post-elimination (Jessica’s solo mission on the “you’ve been eliminated, so TJ is going to make a final speech” podium was a significant moment in her “we’ve only just begun” The Challenge career.  Much respect was gained.) may have had a little too much to do with her final meal (or rather lack there of).  In an episode of more than a few “not a good look” moments for this real Portland Bird, the Jungle debacle may have been the worst look of all.  The Anastasia flight’s crash landing was oddly reminiscent of another one-time CT side project (up on the roof?) from The Challenge “hot mess moment of infamy” Mount Rushmore: Shauvon, whose bubble burst (literally) several seasons ago.  Tough.

Rule #2 – Don’t quit a challenge or you may face severe repercussions.

Wes and Preston, for reasons that the edit did not explore to the depth that this viewer would have liked, decided that they would quit the challenge, thinking that they had nothing to lose (Wes was under no circumstances going to thrust his saw with CT.  Preston sawed his way to the second round with Knight, but wasn’t about to have some mutual face to crotch time on the ridiculous inverted relay race with his Real World: New Orleans “everything but” mate.).  TJ’s verdict: “Since you guys quit, you will be assessed a penalty at the next challenge.”  It may be unfair CT, but you know TJ hates a quitter.  CT and Wes can likely stomach such a blow, but the Team New Orleans men may not be so fortunate.

CT working alone

Rule #3 – If you want to have better chance of living, don’t pick a fight with CT.

Yeah, so this is kind of important because the possibility (Adam King can attest) is in the conversation.  As Frank tearily admits in his downright Confessioner-esque post battle session with Johnny Bananas, he knows better.  Be careful, Frank.  Be careful, Marlon.  Be very careful.

Frank and CT

Rule #4 – Do not underestimate Jordan

“That’s my partner if you all didn’t know.”  Thanks, Marlon.  If we didn’t know, we know now.  First, his pull up counter to the mighty Thor was near incredible.  Sarah says it best, “I gotta give mad props to Jordan.  He embraces every single challenge that comes his way, and that to me is soooo sexy!”  Second, he and Marlon came very close to winning the challenge and will continue to be near the top if there is any degree of athleticism and drive involved.  Third, his peacemaking skills, maybe not always as effective when in the middle of a Hurricane Nia squal in Portland, are already a factor two episodes in to Rivals 2.  He defended Marlon against the CT (CT!) in the “glass in the pool motive head scratcher” throw down last week and managed to keep Anastasia’s suddenly pugnacious and out of control self off of CT (a twist of fight roles) and indoors (the door close was the underrated DVR rewind moment of the week).  Finally, he translated cuddling with Sarah (a more common Challenge scenario) to a steamy closet makeout session (a less common Challenge occurrence).  In a week when a Challenge rookie took most of the spotlight for all the wrong reasons, Jordan was illuminated for all the right reasons (if only her were on the Bachelorette with Des).

Jordan

Rule #5 – If you need to pee while waiting for a Jungle opponent to work through a nausea attack set off by poor preparation choices, feel free to do so right where you are as long as you understand that you may have your head dunked in the same water you are peeing in.

One of my predictions for this season: “Cooke will have a moment on this show that everyone is talking about.”  Ding ding ding!  We have a winner!

Cara and Cooke

Rule #6 – If you want to piss off TJ, don’t quit, don’t give a lackluster effort, and don’t smoke before an elimination.

The Great TJ Lavin about Anastasia after her elimination: “I mean, I guess she shouldn’t smoke cigarettes and not eat, so…”  When TJ kills it, TJ kills it.

Rule #7 – If CT gets attacked, Knight will protect him.

Knight is officially the Kevin Costner to CT’s Whitney Houston.  If you mess with CT (and if you thoroughly read rule no. 3, you would know not to), Knight will be there to protect him.  How and when this was decided remains a mystery, but if I am Knight and CT asks me to be his bodyguard, I am going to be his bodyguard, no questions asked.

Knight protects CT

Rule #8 – A cheer of “Go Ninja, Go Ninja, Go” is always a fantastic early 90s allusion to make.

Thank you to Theresa for your stellar lead narration of this playful entry into this week’s episode in which a band of five (Theresa, Trey, Anastasia, CT, and master strategist Johnny) decide to water balloon bomb a barracks full of unassuming sleeping competitors huddled together in the living room to be closer to the AC.  Their incognito choice of themed attire (an idea that the Confessioner would surely have come up with) is “ninja.” Somewhere the nine remaining Vanilla Ice fans are smiling.

Rule #9 – Don’t sleep on #teamsubtitles – Jemmye and Camila.

In my preseason power rankings column, I predicted Jemmye and Camila were going to come very close to making the finals and I stand by this prediction, but I may have underestimated how much fun their journey would be to watch.  Jemmye is fast becoming this season’s go to sound byte (“Literally, it’s ten seconds in and Camila is already being a crazy person.  My biggest fear is can Camila and I get through this without killing each other because my first instinct is to kill her,” “I am thinking about just staying there with Camila’s face stuffed in a tire until she passes out”) and we all know Camila has a most entertaining extracurricular nighttime activity or two in her before the season is through, but I think they will be an unexpected factor in future challenges.  Perhaps as much as any team. if they do well this season, their potential to rise into the upper tier of The Challenge female competitors is very much in play.  So far, we are just enjoying the ride.

Rule #10 – As the first two challenges have proven (and $1000 richer!), you may want to start considering Zach and Trey as one of the favorites.

Two straight challenge wins to start this season is at worst a statement of arrival and at best a harbinger of future success.  They have the best combination of complimentary physical skills and builds of any male team and seem to have found a common goal (winning) and a common enemy (the competition) that has allowed their personal differences to be tabled.  Be prepared for a rise in the power rankings this week.

The challenge

Rule #11 – If your welcome and reception after a 30 hour journey to Thailand is less than warm, tune it out and focus on winning.

And Cara Maria, a late addition for the second straight season, did just that.  She knows how to play the rivals construct (it is really only about the partnership of two people as she and Laurel embodied on their road to a finals appearance in Rivals), and, despite some unfortunate, but clear social difficulties with the rest of this group, Cara will try to ignore all the background noise (or in this case, Thai crickets).  Maybe not a friend for life, Cara Maria will be the best of partners for Cooke on Rivals 2.

Cara Maria and TJ

Rule #12 – Pay attention: Sarah is wonderful and may be a part of the team you are voting for.

Sarah, please go ahead and sing this from the mountaintops so all of those men teams can hear you!  Poor Sarah may again be stuck with lesser than partner (C’mon Trishelle!  Where’s the fire?)  Thankfully, Jordan seems to have already figured out what has been so very clear over these past seven seasons of The Challenge to all those of us watching, “Physically Sarah is beautiful, and then add her personality in there and she is an amazing catch for anyone…Sarah is the kind of girl that you marry.”  Amen.

Trishelle and Sarah

Rule #13 – Practicing your use of a saw is a good way to train for The Challenge.

Apparently…

Rule #14 – Listen to Jessica’s words of wisdom and you will learn something important.

“Yah, you got a fight.  Yah, you had a hookup, big frickin’ deal.  You think anyone else hasn’t ever had sex with somebody?  You think anyone else hasn’t ever fought anybody?  You’re damn wrong if you think they didn’t.  So frickin’ what!  At the end of the day, and I’m realizing this too, so you’re not standing alone, it’s me and you baby, and guess what?  We’re rookies.  So we gotta kick ass.”  This was Jessica to Anastasia after Bird attempted to assault CT.  One of the most welcome, but unexpected aspects of Rivals 2 thus far has been the incredible rookie campaign of Jessica.  Yes, she has been eliminated, but she went out with such a valiant fight (especially in contrast to Anastasia).  Her Hulk-like move during the challenge was an episode highlight and she earned some serious competitor cred with TJ for never quitting in the Jungle.  Jessica’s return to The Challenge on future seasons would be most welcome, thirsty, and junk.

Rule #15 – There are cameras in the closet.

Although, I am not sure any of the competitors living in the house in Phuket knew this at the time.

Rule #16 – The Big Easy Rule: You’re only as good as how strong you are compared to how much of a liability your partner is (my silly power rankings scoring system does matter!).

In other words, during team or partner additions of The Challenge, it doesn’t matter how good a competitor you are if you are on a team with Big Easy.  You will inevitably lose.  Balance is rewarded (especially, as has already been made wildly clear, in Paula and Emily’s case) if both members of the team have little to no weaknesses.  Conversely, for all the bodyguard strategy mind games that Knight can bring to the table, if his partner is Preston (and running is not the challenge event), it is going to be awfully hard to succeed.  Sarah is facing this struggle right now with a seemingly detached Trishelle.  Johnny must weather every potential Frank alcohol influenced meltdown (I think we are not going to see too many more the rest of the season).  Both CT and Wes must deal with each other’s too often a season detrimental moves and can only be as good as their ability to keep it together.  What made Laurel and Cara Maria’s run in Rivals so impressive was that Laurel was able to elevate Cara to her level over the course of the season as opposed to having their ultimate fate linked to Cara’s unrealized potential.  Going forward, these pairings who have such a disparity of competitor skill must find a way to mind and decrease the gap, or early elimination is inevitable.

David J. Bloom can be reached on twitter @davidbloom7 and writes about MTV’s “The Challenge,” pop culture, and the NBA for Bishop and Company. His “The Challenge: Rivals 2″ power rankings and recaps will post weekly starting on July 10.