Billy on the Street’s best tweets of the week – February 15-21

When inspired (mind you his track record of inspiration is nearly as consistent as a Pink aerial show), I will collect the best Billy Eichner tweets of the past week for your reading pleasure. Let the comedic BRILLIANCE commence…

…almost there…

…and drop the mic.

Funny or Die’s Billy on the Street returns March 12!

A season two “House of Cards” weigh-in

Although it took me nearly a month to even start season one of House of Cards after it had been made available last winter on Netflix, I finished in a forty-eight hour blur that left me as cold as Frank Underwood’s icy resolve.  I was enthralled by the concept (a limited series with excellent actors about the Washington D.C. political power brokers), appreciative of the episode ending cliffhangers that seemed to answer me the “It may be two in the morning, but should I just watch one more episode?” question, and genuinely enjoyed my between the beltway viewing experience.  David Fincher’s meticulous pressure cooking expertise and vision appreciatively enveloped all of season one (although he only directed episodes one and two) and set the tone for the series.  You quickly come to expect the unyielding tension underscored by Jeff Beal’s effectively ominous musical compositions.  You come to expect Frank Underwood consigliere, Doug Stamper (the underrated Michael Kelly whose delicate ruthlessness is one of the show’s highlights), putting out fire after fire with unethical abandon.  You even come to expect and begrudgingly appreciate the Kevin Spacey fourth wall demolition monologue motif that has become so synonymous with the show that it received satirical play at this year’s Golden Globes.

Unfortunately, after a few days of recovery last March, I thought less and less about House of Cards.  I am not referring to my opinion of the show (this remained high), but rather my after viewing consideration.  Season one did the job of telling its story well, yet, when you have consumed all of the meat off of Freddy’s barbecue ribs, the bare bones that remain are kind of useless.  This is not to say that every television program must answer a bigger, “so what?” question like The Wire does about urban societal decay or Breaking Bad does about the human condition’s monstrous frailties, it’s just that the conversation about House of Cards (and certainly the anticipatory hype of otherwise casual television consumers contributed to this belief) alludes to the idea that something greater is afoot.  I just don’t buy it.  House of Cards is more structurally and experientially the successor to 24 set inside the Washington’s power infrastructure than it is the successor to Television Golden Age prestige shows like The Sopranos, The Wire, or Breaking Bad.  Don’t get me wrong – 24 entertained me (most often through unrealistic, but reliable story moving plot twists) for four or five of its eight seasons, but beyond some haunting nightmares about Elisha Cuthbert and a cougar and Jack Bauer’s increasingly unsettling torturous tactics, there is not much to think about after the fact and a whole lot of unrealistic happenings to allow the story to reach its end point.

I went into my House of Cards season two experience with all of this in mind, but hopeful that stretching out the episodes over a longer duration of time could work to quell the relative empty impression left post season one.  I unpackaged my House of Cards vacation treat on Saturday, a day after the Netflix mass release.  Five days later, I now have four episodes left to watch of season two and although the jury is still in deliberation, things are not looking good for an acquittal.  There is a much talked about (six days is not enough time to let this cat out of the bag)1 scene in the first episode that was shocking upon initial viewing, but looked at in the greater context of the episodes that have followed, seems to have been all about storytelling convenience and not as much about storytelling enrichment.  Apparently, the character in question’s train had left the station (if you have watched, I am crudely and overtly punning), and, besides some unnecessary “C plot” cyber security tomfoolery involving what remained of this show’s fourth estate vantage point, this climactic gut punch (and it was!) doesn’t seem to be all that relevant.

Lost may be my favorite show of all-time, but I am not too obtusely immersed in Daniel Faraday’s mind to note that many episodes (Jack’s tattoos!), characters (Nikki and Paulo!), and even seasons (season two’s “tailies” business had no significance to the end game) had nothing to do with the completed story.  This is where House of Cards falls a little bit off the tracks.  Lost struggled in its middle seasons (and many, admittedly, would argue in its final seasons) because it was not aware of how long it was going to be around.  Once it established its end point, it found more focus (albeit in more of a supernatural kind of way).  Unencumbered by any television network’s system and business model and as the pioneer of original Netflix binge-worthy programming, House of Cards can operate on its own creative whim.  Why does season two feel so aimlessly redundant then?  How many machinations of the Raymond Tusk/Frank Underwood big gun arm wrestle must we watch?  How many times will a problem be solved by Doug Stamper’s magical tough guy softy influence, Remy Danton’s monetary brooding, or a Claire and Frank night run?  House of Cards moment to moment is effortlessly entertaining and quite enjoyable to watch, but my open questioning of its ultimate goal has begun to seep into the experience.  I am just not sure if I can trust that what I am watching, in the end, matters.

There is a scene in the ninth episode of season two (twenty two of the series), when (minor SPOILER ALERT!!!) Reg E. Cathey’s (of the late, great Square One TV) Freddy and Spacey’s Underwood have a conversation that ostensibly ends their relationship.  Freddy’s checkered criminal past has become a problem for Frank’s political present, so no more ribs for Francis.  I cared more about these characters in this scene, than anything that I had watched in season two up until this point.  Freddy’s daily ribs serving represented the next level layer of storytelling that House of Cards has only flirted with and one of the only relationships that I counted on to be sincere.  If the message of this show is that every relationship is a calculated weighing of the potential gain, so be it, but I thought Freddy and Frank represented something different.

In the end, Frank, as he always does, resorted to his influence, offering to pay for Freddy’s trying financial situation.  Freddy pridefully and admirably declines.  This leads to this exchange:

“If you change your mind, you let me know.” – Frank

“You was a good customer.  That was it.  You ain’t gotta pretend to be my friend.”  – Freddy

I will watch the final four episodes of House of Cards as a good customer should, but I am just not sure I will ever be able to consider it a friend.


  1. What, the guy in the wheelchair was Keyser Söze? At least I am keeping my references Kevin Spacey specific. 

The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon begins!

The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon began in the same way Late Night with Jimmy Fallon ended.  Yes, it is a new studio, a new set, and a more realistic live viewing time slot.  Yes, The Tonight Show is a more prestigious and honored cultural institution than Late Night (with all due respect to Conan and Letterman before him), a legacy that Johnny Carson built in his thirty years as host. This is absolutely a big deal, but as Jimmy Fallon’s first pre-monologue graciously gave reverence to his Mom and Dad sitting in the audience, to the Roots and their adaptive musical brilliance, to “announcer” Steve Higgins and his great friendship, to the lineage of hosts that came before him, to his wife Nancy and his baby daughter, Winnie Rose, and to both his loyal viewing audience and to those that may find their way to him now that he is on at an earlier time, it was Jimmy’s emotional generosity that once again set the tone.

From his beautiful Muppets performance of “The Weight” to end Late Night to this gracious and personal opening act, Jimmy Fallon’s greatness stems from his unabashed willingness to open his heart to his audience.  In his first Tonight Show couch interview with Will Smith, Jimmy was his usual, self-effacing self.  Discussing the incredible line of friends (more on this in a  bit) who lost a faux $100 bet that Jimmy would never host The Tonight Show, Will Smith, perhaps the last real movie star still standing, turned to a humbled Fallon and said, “People are coming because of your heart.”  Amen, Fresh Prince.

Some highlights from night one of The Tonight Show starring Jimmy Fallon:

• An incredible array of friends came to wish Jimmy well (and pay up for doubting the possibility of his new hosting duties). Robert De Niro. Tina Fey. Joe Namath. Rudy Giuliani. Mariah Carey. Tracey Morgan. Joan Rivers. Kim Kardashian. Seth Rogen. Lindsay Lohan. Sarah Jessica Parker. Mike Tyson. Lady Gaga. Stephen Colbert.  Could there possibly ever be a more diversified group of honored guests?

• Jimmy Fallon and Will Smith presented “The Evolution of Hip Hop Dancing.”  The degree of sweating says everything.

• If you are going to begin your time on The Tonight Show with a big musical guest, book U2.  The high point comes at 9:16 when the Edge begins an acoustic performance of the wrong song.

Tonight’s show features Jerry Seinfeld, Kristen Wiig, and Lady Gaga, so there’s pretty much every reason to watch. I am rooting for Jimmy Fallon.

New “Game of Thrones” trailer quotation excitement power rankings

Let’s be honest, everything here excites.  Here is my ranking of the best quotations from this riveting second trailer for season 4 of Game of Thrones, on a scale from “I am so excited” to “I am SOOOOOO excited.”  48 days!

6) “I will not be the page in somebody else’s history book.” – Stannis Baratheon

5) “The day will come when you when your joy will turn to ashes in your mouth and you will know the debt is paid.” – Cersei Lannister

4) “Joffrey. Cersei. Tywin Lannister. The Red Woman. I can’t sleep until I say the names…only the ones I’m going to kill.” – Arya Stark

3) “The Lannisters aren’t the only ones who pay their debts.” – Oberyn Martell

2) “If you want justice, you’ve come to the wrong place.” Tyrion Lannister

1) “I will do what queens do. I will rule.” – Danaerys Targaryen

NBA All-Star Saturday Redux

It feels like every year the NBA tries to “revamp” All-Star Saturday Night.  It has been eons since the glory years of Larry Bird outright Three-Point Shootout win guarantees and dunking duels between the game’s elite1, and the NBA desperately wants to rediscover some of this shine and sparkle again.  The All-Star Legends Game is resting in peace (there were far too many player injuries) and the Rookie/Sophomore game has been moved to Friday night.  Left in their places are the Shooting Stars Challenge (a longstanding failed attempt to include WNBA players in NBA All-Star festivities2) and the Skills Challenge that does not ask players to stretch themselves beyond a basic middle school dribbling and passing drill.  The Three-Point Shootout has been the night’s highlight for some time, but it too often lacks a degree of drama (certainly not of degree of the Bird and Craig Hodges years).  With the exception of some Blake Griffin car acrobatics a few years ago, the Dunk Contest, once the main event, has been stale for some time, often muddled by a cast of either relative unknown participants3 or players that need far less of the spotlight4, an ever changing judging system that over the years makes less and less sense, and an open timed format where missed dunks are allowed and any competitive momentum is allowed to dissipate.

Per usual (but often misguided) attempt to improve, the NBA again made some tweaks to spice up this year’s affair.  A handful did work, most blatantly did not, and a few left me questioning the professional acumen of the organizers from the NBA office.  Here are my thoughts on what to keep from this year’s All-Star Saturday Night, what to immediately eliminate, and some suggestions to change this potentially dynamic experience for the better.

ELIMINATE…Nick Cannon as an MC.  I get that he hosts on television for a living, but I just don’t get why he hosts on television for a living.  His question and answer sessions with event winners were excruciating to watch and poisoned any potential positive momentum earned on the court.

KEEP…any situation that allows fathers and sons to participate together.  Why not take the conceit further?  Who wouldn’t have wanted to see a two on two battle between the Currys (Dell and Stephen) and the Hardaways (Tim and Tim Jr.)?  Why not let them all participate in the Three-Point Shootout?  Next year bring in the Robinsons (Glenn and Glenn Jr.) and the Thompsons (Klay and Mychal) and make into a father-son round robin tournament.  There is so much viewing pleasure here, NBA!

Tim Hardaway

ELIMINATE…any opportunity for Ben McLemore to “act.”  He made Shaquille O’Neal look like Daniel Day-Lewis.

Ben McLemore and Shaquille O'Neal

KEEP…the money ball location choice in the Three-Point Shootout.  This strategic element will improve with more experience (many participants did not seem to use it well), but it does add an appreciated new dimension to the night’s best event.

KEEP…the East versus West motif, but make it actually matter.  Bring in Team Captains (perhaps LeBron and Durant) and have them coach their conference participants on each event.  It will mean something if there is a greater incentive for winning the night.

ELIMINATE…the Skills Challenge as it currently exists.  These are world class NBA players.  Why not treat them as such?  If you are going to have a skills competition, include higher level professional skills.  Perhaps include a full court behind the back pass or a free-style creative dribbling battle.  We know point guards are skillful with the ball, but who doesn’t want to see some NBA big men showing some handle in the open floor?  If the NBA is really “fantastic” and “amazing,” why include a Skills Competition that is staid, dull, and boring?

ELIMINATE…WNBA participation.  Period.

KEEP…retired player participation, but go further with it.  As the NBA loves to (rightfully so) honor its past (although these Mount Rushmore conversations are a bit silly), the All-Star Weekend is such a unique opportunity to bring in past rivalries to compete again in some creatively themed events.  Who changes the channel for a John Starks versus Nick Anderson clutch shooting competition?

ELIMINATE…the Shooting Stars Challenge all together.  No one wants to watch a WNBA player, a former NBA player, and a current NBA player heave half court shots to beat an arbitrary clock.

ELIMINATE…Dunk Contests that end unexpectedly.  After John Wall’s impressive dunk of the night, the event was suddenly over.  Did John Wall win?  Did the East win?  I was so confused.

KEEP…a judges panel that features Dominique Wilkins, Magic Johnson, and Julius Erving.

ELIMINATE…going down the judges line one by one in the Dunk Contest to hear who they voted for.  Poor Dr. J, so ready to unleash a zinger or two, was asked to always reveal his answer third (no thanks to Nick Cannon), so that by the time it was his turn, the winner had already been determined by Dominique and Magic’s votes.  If voting matters, and it could, present it effectively.

KEEP…Steve Kerr and Reggie Miller as Three Point Shootout analysts.  I felt like I was listening to a master class.

Steve Kerr and Reggie Miller

KEEP…teams in the Dunk Contest.  Until the anti-climactic ending, there was a bit more intrigue this year, wondering who was going to face who in the battle rounds.

ELIMINATE…the freestyle round of the Dunk Contest.  There were too many missed dunks.  Hold these participants to a higher standard.

ELIMINATE…on that note, missed dunks in general.

ELIMINATE…events, besides a hypothetical “the best mid-range jumper for a big,” that Chris Bosh could potentially win.  Chris Bosh has won enough already.

Shooting Stars

The “Celebrity” Game is also in need of a bit of a facelift.  The involvement of Secretary of Education Arnie Duncan as a player and Bill Simmons and Jalen Rose as coaches are great places to start.  Here are three other suggestions:

ELIMINATE…Kevin Hart as your go-to and, as deemed by ESPN, “A List” celebrity for the Celebrity Game.  He is not “A-List,” he is annoying, and should not be asked to return.

ELIMINATE…a Celebrity Game that forces me to look up who some of its participants are.  It stretches the meaning of the word “celebrity” to an unwanted extent.

KEEP…Zach Lowe involved.  This man is a genius.  “Get Lowe…”

Simmons, Lowe, and Snoop Dogg


  1. Sirs Jordan and Wilkins. 
  2. Could you imagine any NBA player returning the favor at the WNBA All-Star weekend? 
  3. See Jeremy Evans. 
  4. You can certainly throw Dwight Howard and Nate Robinson into this mix.  Do ex-players count?  If so, we have all seen enough Kenny Smith MC performances to last us a lifetime. 

TV Moment of the Week: Jason Jones of “The Daily Show” explores homophobia in Russia

There are fewer and fewer places left in the United States where The Daily Show satirical tactics can still be put over on an unsuspecting interviewee.  Thankfully, this is not the case in Russia. Jason Jones takes full advantage in one of his all-time best field reports about the rampant governmental and social homophobia in Russia.

Billy on the Street’s Best Tweets of the Week – February 8-14

When inspired (mind you his track record of inspiration is nearly as consistent as Meryl Streep’s performances), I will collect the best Billy Eichner tweets of the past week for your reading pleasure. Let the comedic BRILLIANCE commence…

Fair.

This is everything.

The new season of Billy on the Street begins March 12!